The Departure and The Arrival

The Departure and the Arrival

It was time. It was time for me now to take my first steps back to society and sobriety. I was terrified. I was shaking because there were so many things flowing through my mind at one time. All the colors around me seemed vibrant and the glory of our Lord was shining through me. My oil was overflowing the lamp. It was terribly hard for me to say goodbye to the people that I have gotten so close to in those short ten days. Every single one at Schick has at least taught me one important thing. Even the people that I don't even talk to taught me something. They taught me to be courageous. I see them starting a new life and it brings a smile to my face. They made the conscious, but some made the unconscious decision to start over new.

Some of the people that come into Schick Shadel Hospital are lost, and everyone around you helps you find your way. I believe that I got the most out of the patients then I got even out of the program. The reason why we all come together into one life form is because we all share a common disease. We are addicts. Someway along the long series of Natural Selection our terrible recessive gene stayed strong. We have to come to realize that that disease has taken over our bodies and minds and we lost control of our most internal desires. To be whole again.

We have internalized what we have learned here in a physiological and spiritual way. In our brain we have separated the autonomic connection between event and reward. We have blocked that action potential to induce craving and most of all we made the connections to other parts of our brain that were once shut off by our disease. Spiritually we have finally reached back out to our Higher Power. When we make the connection with our Spirit we strengthen the connection in our bodies. You will gain wisdom and greater understanding about your disease if you have that Fear of the Lord. I used to say, I am here and I am a Alcoholic... but not I can finally say I am here and I am finally Happy.

My story was definetly a spiritual struggle and the patients and staff noticed an immediate difference in my self-esteem and demeanor after I let all my defenses down. I opened my arms and people fell into them. I finally let them fall into my arms without a perverted mind. I started to Love.

When I finally reached Anchorage I had to write some more. I had to get out of the house that has tormented me for so long!

When I first ran into my father at the airport I was all tears, but he was all defencive. He still has the mentality that I will relapse. That HURT alot. Everything out of his mouth was negative. My mouth was going a million miles a minutes, but I don't think he was completely listening. Since I became this new person I hate to say that I barley know my parents. That HURTS. To go from a place where everyone was full of love to a place where everyone looks at you like a piece of trash is tearing me up inside. Send me some words of encouragement please! I would love to hear from you guys and girls because you are my family.

After a long awkward talk with the parents I had to leave the house. There was too much battling going on in my mind and I had to go for a run. I ran and ran with tears in my eyes. I was running through the neighborhood that I was so destructive towards. People didn't even say hi to me. I was so used to it at Schick. People closed up to me. Even my sister. I ran and ran and prayed.

I realized that allot of flies were following me and buzzing around my head I kept trying to tell them to bug off, but they didn't listen. After a while of thought I decided to let my feet take me where they wanted to go. I ended up in the woods that I used to hide in and drink and smoke.

Triggers were everywhere. The whole city of Anchorage seems like a trigger to me. Its still a battle for me sitting here typing this. I look at everything I have and I can relate it to my fictional persona. Because my whole life was fake. I don't know my parents. I don't know my sister. This is too hard. But I know I have some great people listening to me out there. And that makes me smile.

The woods were beautiful, the sun was shining through and the flowers were in full bloom. I was in a land that didn't care about the outside world. They were going on their own pace, while the world was zipping by. I was one of the flowers and the forest. The symmetry and the smell of the lavender flowers caught me by surprise. Those smelt great. I started t9o look for other flowers that have gone on in life for some time I wouldn't cut it short. I looked through the forest and intensely gazed through the foliage. A beautiful flower was eying me. Drawing me in with her enticement. I had to pick her even if I had to bushwhack. The flower smelled great. I'll keep it, I know I will need it later for some reason.

I continued down the beaten bath whilst mosquitos followed my every step. The parasites of the forest looking for their share of food for their souls. I had to keep running but they kept catching up for some reason. I Lord of the Flies decided it wasn't their time to be extinguished. I just patted them away and my body began to be an insect graveyard. I said sorry to every one that I killed, I guess I felt obligated to do so.

As I was jogging and taking in all the sights and smells, behold a tree. The rees growing out a single root system. It just jumped out at me. I was shocked and in awe about natures secrets. Why did it decide to do this? All I know is that I decided to stay upon it, fo I felt I was obligated to do so. I looked around and the view was magnificent. I wished that I brought my camera. The bugs didn't bug me anymore. I was amazed at the natural beauty that surrounded my little city. I never saw this city before, everything looked new. I was shaking. The bugs were getting worse, the Lord of the Flies were hungry for some Blood.

I jumped off that particular system of life and continued upon my unplanned journey. There was a fork in the road. Before I used to take the right fork to a fallen tree to drink my whiskey. I thougt about going down the road not taken, but I decided towards the other. As I continued down the path I looked where I once sat. I could not believe my eyes. A cap from one of my Whiskey bottles was still sitting there untouched! Somehow I felt as if it was tempting me. I picked it up and found out why I kept the flower. I replaced the whiskey cap with the flower that I worked so hard to obtain. That felt good. I had to keep going for I had to get rid of this cap. It felt heavy in my hands and just the sight of it made my palms sweaty. The flies were getting worse.

I started to run to leave them behind and they subsided for a moment. I was deep within the woods, at the heart of my journey. I was looking for a place to finally put my Whiskey cap to rest and lone behold a shallow grave was there for me to throw it in. I threw it in with no hesitation. Then saw a rock and threw that on top on the cap for good measure. I was Angry.

I decided to run away and not look back to where he now rests. He lies with the flies.

I hope he decays and lives a miserable life underneath his rock. The flies were angry and started to bite. My legs were targets my head and my arms. They began to swell from all the injections. I noticed a small evergreen tree so overcrowded and no light was getting to him. I dug him out gently even through the flies were eating me for dinner. I thought about bringing him home to represent my growth in life.So I could see it everyday. I said no. I do not want to bring something so pure, to the middle of a place so impure.

I was walking back through the path and others that were hiking that day say me and gave me a wide girth as they passed by. They didn't know why I was holding a small evergreen they didn't even acknowledge my existence.

I told the tree he was going to be alright. You are in good hands I told him.
I saw where I was standing before on the tree tree root system. I stood back upon the tree and searched the meadow where "Frank" will be able to dig his roots deep within the soil and grow to magnificence. There was a clearing in the meadow as if it was there for me. I got down and cleansed the dead that took once frank's now promising spot for growth. After he was planted I noticed the flies. They were getting worse. I prayed.

The clouds over me were dark and at that moment as if someone heard my thoughts I heard the titter-tatter of rain on leaves. After a few moments the rain was coming down hard. The flies were sent back to their homes. They lived in the flowers. Something so evil that hides in something so pure. That made me grimace. My hands were black with soil and I decided my work there was done.

I continued out back to the concrete jungle with shuffling of my feet. I didn't want to go back to a home where I didn't feel welcomed. I was walking because I needed to relearn how to walk. I saw that everyone around me was caught up in this present world. I felt sorry. I started feeling sorry for myself as well because all I had were the clothes on my back and a fictional house to go back to. I shook my head and told myself to knock it off.

Someone yelled "asshole" outside their window as they were driving past but they didn't notice the tears that fell for him. I continued down a path that I have always waked in darkness and every step was refreshing. I heard a creek meandering through the brush over the loud engines of human innovation. I jumped in and it was good.

I started to walk down this little creek and I was slipping on the slimy rocks that have gained so much algae the creek looked green. My toes and feet started to numb so I decided to continue to walk down the whole creek until I slipped and stumbled on the embankment. One look back at nature and I was off down the little creek road that I have peverted. People do not look at me They know me for whom I was. I felt saddened. Some of the children that would normally smile, ran back to their parents. I sighed and though of Schick and how everyone greeted you with a smile.

Back home. I take my shoes off because they were leaving water prints wherever I walked. I opened the door and I made a b-line for the shower. I let the oscillating shower head numb my face and the tears blended with the water.