Tired: I'm not a Bum!

I am completely exhausted. I am tired.
I am drained. From lifes little battles.

A Continuous cycle of night and day
isn't right by my standard.

My circadian rhythm seems to be a tad off tune.
I wake up to the rising of the moon and try to escape the brightness of the sun during the day.

I live a Night Life.

I feel an emotional high followed by a low. I need to stay up longer. So I chug some more coffee.

This insomnia is killing me! I urge for a cure. I try melatonin supplements but nothing is working. Maybe if I just stay up the whole day. Fall into the right rhythm then everything will turn out okay.

Instead of being a recluse and hiding in the shade, to participate in our society's function undeniably by day. I could thwart my Night Life and begin to be.

A contributing member.

Struggle

Struggle - Frank Grubbs

I Struggle
I Squirm
I hold onto myself.
I cannot affirm
The pain ,the laughter
Why does anything matter?

I shower. I pray.
For forgiveness
Today..


I cannot see you
But I need you.
I'm on the other side
Drenched in my sorrow
no hope for tomorrow.

Break the glass
which clouds and rains
upon my broken spirit.

The shower stings and burns
What have I done
To earn this?

I am consistently soaking up sin
not letting anything go
The drain is demoralizing
Where does it go?

Release me from suffering
From the constant bombardment
Of ridicule
From others

Make me clean and pure
I'm already clean on the surface
Hold my hand and lets clean the heart
Show me o Lord
Where to start.
To shine in the Lord
Is what I desire.
Please Lord, take me from this rain
This eternal fire.

The Virus within my mind

A definite blow to my insecurity as a non-user.
I used.
I relapsed.
I'm an abuser.
I continue to look down on myself

As if I'm a loser.

I cannot keep assigning roles
Assigning signs
Assigning moles.

In the depths of my subconscious
Someone does hide.
Such as a virus or worm
deep in my mind.

Hes not of our Kind

A mole

Hes filthy and rotten
Ill-tempered
my old self seems forgotten.

I wish to hear
I wish to see
I wish to feel
I wish to touch
I wish to taste

Nothing of the almighty tempter
But of what is good and just.

I continue to question
How I continue to Lust?
Why must why must!?
I continue to sin and lose my old way
I ask for his grace
I ask today.

For you to come and come swift
Before the mole takes over
And sends me adrift.

Away from reality , away from love.
This mole is continuously
trying to shove

me into sin

into transgression

I ask you lord
Renew my remission
Renew my faith
Remove my transgressions.

I wish to start over new
With you in my heart
I will not relapse ,I will not thwart
my plans for Holiness
my plans for Hope
my plans to lay aside my alcohol
my dope.

I love you Lord,
I'm in the midst of a trial
I will do anything
I will run a mile
Anything to
Bring back my smile.

With your Grace
With your Love
With your Wisdom
Your like a Glove
embracing my hand
Leading the way
In the truth you mention
I will walk
Someday.

I ask of you Lord
Make that day.
Today.

New Post About Nothing

Post.
About Nothing.
About my mind.
About random thoughts that come from the subconscious.
From the part of my mind that isn't clouded by my disease.
Please teach me the ways of understanding
and the ways of the righteous.

I don't know if there is a God or not.
I do not know If i can continue on in life.
Someone is continuing to distract me from the real life.

If I had a gun I would shoot myself.

This is the Truth.

The Truth.

Does not Lie.

The Truth speaks Truth.

The Mind Speaks of the Mind.

That isn't corrupt.

Isn't boggled down from insecurity.

I go. My own pace.

Let go.

Let your imagination run free.

Away from these Lies.

Away from these fleas.

What the hell.

Do not be an infestation.

Of my life.

Do not take over.

Which I hold to so dear.

Is it worth going for?

What is worth going for anymore?

Life and lifting up my head.

Is a large chore.

The life.

The life is pulled apart.

Teared. Broken. Suffering.

Diminished. Ill. Forsaken.

Not forgiven.

All my dreams are gone.

I look forward to death.

To the next high.

Another pill please.

Fill my mind. Be my crutch.

Stabilize my inner person.

Be realistic.

You will never

Account to anyone

or anything.

Why am I so pessimistic?

Why cannot I turn myself around.

To be a better person?

I guess I was put on earth for a reason.

To be a failure.