The Purpose Driven Life
Day 2 : You are Not an Accident
Notes: Day 1 and Day 2 are not combined as my blog would tell you. I decided to post my thoughts on Day 2! As I continue on in my forty day spiritual journey the book promises that by the end of that journey (with effort and understanding on your part) you will discover the answer to life's most important question: What on earth am I here for? Who wouldn't want the answer to that question? Hopefully it will arise.
"God doesn't play dice." - Albert Einstein
Our main focus for this day is to realize that long before you were conceived by your parents, you were conceived in the mind of God.
Point to Ponder: I am not an accident.
Verse to Remember:
" I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born."
- Isaiah 44:2 (CEV)
Each day ends on a question to consider.
I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?
Answer:
With God's intricate plan there is no questioning why, how or what areas of my life were at ruin. God is a virtuoso playing his magnificent tune, called Life!The artist of the universe is beyond our imagination.What he creates is at best, the best of the best.Any other viewpoints, you should put to rest.
As I continue on with my life I am consistently bombarded with eternal questions regarding religion, questions regarding what is "right" and what is "wrong" and questions of the complex compared with the questions of the simple. My blog, as with many others, helps me differentiate between my authentic self and my unavoidable carnal ideologies. The purpose of MY blog is to help me find those answers from the questions that spontaneously arise in my mind.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The Purpose Driven Life - 40 Days
The Purpose Driven Life
Day 1 : It all starts with God.
Notes: As I continue down the path of complete understanding I use such tools as the bible, my friends and brothers alike. The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren is but another tool you can use to strengthen your faith. It came into my heart to write my reactions. This is another brick in the foundation of my acceptance of the Lord.
"Unless you assume a God, the question of life's purpose is meaningless.
- Bertrand Russel, atheist
The main study of this day is to understand that you were made by God and for God -- and until you understand that, life will never make sense.
Point to Ponder: It's not about me.
I related this chapter to the correlation that there is a master designer and Architect of the Universe. I browsed around and during some of my studies I came across a verse.
Day 1 : It all starts with God.
Notes: As I continue down the path of complete understanding I use such tools as the bible, my friends and brothers alike. The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren is but another tool you can use to strengthen your faith. It came into my heart to write my reactions. This is another brick in the foundation of my acceptance of the Lord.
"Unless you assume a God, the question of life's purpose is meaningless.
- Bertrand Russel, atheist
The main study of this day is to understand that you were made by God and for God -- and until you understand that, life will never make sense.
Point to Ponder: It's not about me.
I related this chapter to the correlation that there is a master designer and Architect of the Universe. I browsed around and during some of my studies I came across a verse.
"The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands. "
- Pslam 19:1
Verse to Remember:
- Pslam 19:1
Verse to Remember:
"Everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him." - Colossians 1:16b (Msg)
Poetry - Evangelized
Evangelized - Frank Grubbs
Knowledge In truth.
In wisdom, In you.
I pray for forgiveness!
I pray for whats right!
I pray for understanding!
I pray for your light!
I am here, as are you
as I kneel on this pew.
I begin to see.
How few! How few!
Have come...To actually know you!
Life me up.
High in the sky
How my faith has faltered
I feel so dry!
Water me, watch me grow!
Send me out to those who don't know.
That you , are Holy, Loving and Just!
For those who rebuke me, will eternally rust.
I shall hold my hands up so high
to embrace the knowledge and truth.
Of Christianity.
Poetry - Chains
Chains - Frank Grubbs
Release my chains.
Which burdens my flight!
Release my chains.
Return me to light.
I choose to hold, it dear to my heart.
Release the chains.
I wish to start.
Awaken from the slumber...
from the routine.
Awaken from
This dreary dream.
You hold the key,
to abstain from the fire
You will walk in light,
towards what you desire.
If you so choose
To release these chains
Your wings shall spread
You shall soar!
Away from the darkness away from the moor.
Away from the chains. Away from that fire.
Away from deceitfulness. Away from that crier.
He holds you down
Don't you see?
Release the chains
You will become, what was meant to be.
Release my chains.
Which burdens my flight!
Release my chains.
Return me to light.
I choose to hold, it dear to my heart.
Release the chains.
I wish to start.
Awaken from the slumber...
from the routine.
Awaken from
This dreary dream.
You hold the key,
to abstain from the fire
You will walk in light,
towards what you desire.
If you so choose
To release these chains
Your wings shall spread
You shall soar!
Away from the darkness away from the moor.
Away from the chains. Away from that fire.
Away from deceitfulness. Away from that crier.
He holds you down
Don't you see?
Release the chains
You will become, what was meant to be.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Poetry - Facade
Facade - Frank Grubbs
A dirty vase with rust and mold.Tell me your story, let it unfold!
Your facade cannot hide of which it holds.Something pure and clean in Spirit.
Do not judge externally, but peer past the rust.Peer internally.
Your appearance is ugly, meek and bland.
Your presence is but a grain of sand.
Easily rebuked, easily forgotten.
You are looked down upon.
Filthy and rotten.
Few look beyond the imperfections.
Towards the real truth; the internal disposition.
As the vase continues on in life, he struggles.He battles for acceptance from the easily departed.
Gaining dust and grim his day. He smiles.As the strangers
make their way.
make their way.
Towards the others.
So clean. So fake.
Our vase continues unwanted, untold.
Almost to the brim, he molds.
Unknown to most he contains a cure, love and joy to share.
The other vase's truthfully do not care.
On my exterior I may look inferior but which the others contain.
Is much scarier!
The strangers do not know what they contain.
This mold.
This filth and the rust, the old.
They are filled to the brim. Filled with coal!
The strangers are fooled, enticed by their beauty.
They do not look deeper
.To what really matters.
No one will buy me, but it is Okay.
For I know someone will come...
Someday.
To peer past the dirt and the grime.
Someone will buy me.
Just not this time.
I continue to mold and continue to rust.
As the others start to internally combust.
The others shine and act and play.
As I sit in my corner dreaming the day...
That one will come.
To clean my exterior
Later to find, what I contain is much.. much..more
Merrier.
Poetry : Decisions
Decisions - Frank Grubbs
Obligation in varying situations.
Obligation in varying situations.
Condemnation in a self-destructive belligerent nation.
A Whisper within the ear.
A Choice between what is good and what is evil.
Is what we bare.
Externally and internally
decidingWhat is fair?
When has this nation decided to care.
I am obligated
Towards a decision.
Based on what I can touch, taste, see , smell and Hear.
For which of my five senses has caused this fear?
I am obligated.
The decision is near.
Shall I strike with War?
I am obligated to alleviate this pain.
Obviously our society
has something to gain.
From the gain, others cry.
Are they Obligated to continue with the lie?
Poetry : Perfect
Perfect - Frank Grubbs
Understanding Imperfection.
A first step...Towards self-reflection.
Look inwards towards the Lie.
Continue on ye surely Die.
Open up your eyes my Son.
For when you do, It will be done.
Pain will cease, our suffering resides. For In yourself.Ye cannot hide.
You are Human.
You make mistakes.
Conclusion rests.
As Do you!
When you decide to be True.
To yourself and towards others, to your aunts and to your mother.
To your father and to your brother. Do be true.
Not the other.
Imperfection.
We learn from thee.
As Adam Did, when he ate from that tree.
Peer into the mirror with no despair
For no one is perfect. No one is Pure.
Except the one whom put you here.
Poetry : Stability
Stability - Frank Grubbs
Fleeting thoughts
Grandiosity and Remorse.
A continuous remix and fluctuation of the past and present.
Fleeting thoughts
Grandiosity and Remorse.
A continuous remix and fluctuation of the past and present.
Stability is what I desire.
A mood-stabilizer Rekindles the inner-fire.
I want to be myself.
Do not dictate my ways.
I want to be myself.
Through and Through these days.
Fleeting thoughts
Grandiosity and Remorse
Listen now
Do not attempt to plot my course.
Ups and downs are a normal day.
For this I continue to Pray.
I want to be myself
Do not dictate my ways.
I want to be myself.
Through and Through these days.
A mood-stabilizer Rekindles the inner-fire.
I want to be myself.
Do not dictate my ways.
I want to be myself.
Through and Through these days.
Fleeting thoughts
Grandiosity and Remorse
Listen now
Do not attempt to plot my course.
Ups and downs are a normal day.
For this I continue to Pray.
I want to be myself
Do not dictate my ways.
I want to be myself.
Through and Through these days.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Pain and Suffering
Hello ,
I have been really in the struggle between what has happened in the past and all the pain that it has caused me. I have always been on the path to finding eternal questions such as what is love? Why do I suffer? How do I find myself?As I was roaming around Costco with my parents I happened to come across a book. Alas, the cover of the book seemed as though it didn't contain as much information that I needed at the time but as I am continuing with its succulent chapters I came across a great correlation.
When you question yourself sometimes and come to the conclusion that you "feel totally lost" take a deep breath for that answer to your issues is right before your eyes.
In this passage God's name is "papa". God took an image of an African American female. The man's comments are in blue, as God's words are in red.
"I feel totally lost"
"Then let's see if we can find you in this mess."
Almost as if on cue, a blue jay landed on the kitchen windowsill and began strutting back and forth. Papa reached into a tin on the counter and, sliding the window open, offered Mr. Jay a mixture of grains that she must have kept just for that purpose. Without any hesitation, and with a seeming air of humility and thankfulness, the bird walked straight to her hand and began feeding.
" Consider out little friend here," she began. "Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for this is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around. You on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around. Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its ability to fly. Not something I want for you. And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."
"I'm not like you."
"I am God. I am who I am. And unlike you, my wings can't be clipped."
"Well that's wonderful for you, but where exactly does that leave me?"
Papa began stroking the little bird, brought him up close to her face, and said, "Smack dab in the center of my love!" as the two cuddled nose to beak.
"I thinking that bird probably understands that better then I do."
"I know, honey. That's why we're here. Why do you think I said, I'm not like you?"
"Well I really have no idea. I mean, you're God and I'm not."
"Yes, but not exactly. At least not in the way you're thinking. My son, I am what some would say 'holy, and wholly other than you.' The problem is that many folks try to grasp some sense of who I am by taking the best version of themselves, projecting that to the nth degree, factoring in all the goodness they can perceive, which often isn't much, and then call that God. And while it may seem like a noble effort, the truth is that it falls pitifully short of who I really am. I'm not merely the best version of you that you can think of. I am far more than that, above and beyond all that you can ask or think."
"I'm sorry, but those are just words to me. They don't make much sense."
"Even though you can't finally grasp me, guess what? I still want to be known."
"You're talking about Jesus, right? Is this going to be a let's-try-to-understand-the-Trinity sort of thing?"
Papa chuckled. "Sort of, but as you might imagine, there are some advantages to being God. By nature I am completely unlimited, without bounds. I have always known fullness. I live in a state of perpetual satisfaction as my normal state of existence. Just one of the perks of Me being Me. We created you to share in that. But then Adam chose to go it on his own, as we knew he would, and everything got messed up. But instead of scrapping the whole Creation we rolled up our sleeves and entered into the middle of the mess -- that's what we have done in Jesus."
Papa laughed a long rich belly laugh that made our friend want to join in. She set the little bird down on the table next to him , turned to open the oven, and gave the pie that was baking a quick little look. Satisfied that everything was find, Papa then pulled up a chair alongside them.
" If I were simply One God and only One Person, then you would find yourself in this Creation without something wonderful, without something essential even. And I would be utterly other than I am."
"And we would be without...? He didn't know how to finish the question.
"Love and relationship. All love and relationship is possible for you only because it already exist within Me, within God myself. Love is not the limitation; love is the flying. I am love."
"You do understand," she continued, "that unless I had an object to love-- or, more accurately, a someone to love--if I did not have such a relationship within myself, then I would not be capable of love at all? You would have a god who could not love. Or maybe worse, you would have a god who, when he chose, could only love as a limitation of his nature. That kind of god could possibly act without love, and that would be a disaster. And that, is surely not me."
With that, Papa stood up, went to the oven door, pulled out the freshly baked pie, set it on the counter and, turning around as if to present herself, said, "The God who is--the I am who I am -- cannot act apart from love!"
The book continues on in greater detail. I am truthfully happy to have found this book as others were truthfully happy to have had the chance to read its contents.
The Shack : Where tragedy confronts eternity. By William P. Young.
If you gain something out of this passage, great! If not re-read it :).
-Frank Grubbs
"Let's pray that the human race never escapes Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere."--C.S. Lewis
I have been really in the struggle between what has happened in the past and all the pain that it has caused me. I have always been on the path to finding eternal questions such as what is love? Why do I suffer? How do I find myself?As I was roaming around Costco with my parents I happened to come across a book. Alas, the cover of the book seemed as though it didn't contain as much information that I needed at the time but as I am continuing with its succulent chapters I came across a great correlation.
When you question yourself sometimes and come to the conclusion that you "feel totally lost" take a deep breath for that answer to your issues is right before your eyes.
In this passage God's name is "papa". God took an image of an African American female. The man's comments are in blue, as God's words are in red.
"I feel totally lost"
"Then let's see if we can find you in this mess."
Almost as if on cue, a blue jay landed on the kitchen windowsill and began strutting back and forth. Papa reached into a tin on the counter and, sliding the window open, offered Mr. Jay a mixture of grains that she must have kept just for that purpose. Without any hesitation, and with a seeming air of humility and thankfulness, the bird walked straight to her hand and began feeding.
" Consider out little friend here," she began. "Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for this is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around. You on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around. Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its ability to fly. Not something I want for you. And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."
"I'm not like you."
"I am God. I am who I am. And unlike you, my wings can't be clipped."
"Well that's wonderful for you, but where exactly does that leave me?"
Papa began stroking the little bird, brought him up close to her face, and said, "Smack dab in the center of my love!" as the two cuddled nose to beak.
"I thinking that bird probably understands that better then I do."
"I know, honey. That's why we're here. Why do you think I said, I'm not like you?"
"Well I really have no idea. I mean, you're God and I'm not."
"Yes, but not exactly. At least not in the way you're thinking. My son, I am what some would say 'holy, and wholly other than you.' The problem is that many folks try to grasp some sense of who I am by taking the best version of themselves, projecting that to the nth degree, factoring in all the goodness they can perceive, which often isn't much, and then call that God. And while it may seem like a noble effort, the truth is that it falls pitifully short of who I really am. I'm not merely the best version of you that you can think of. I am far more than that, above and beyond all that you can ask or think."
"I'm sorry, but those are just words to me. They don't make much sense."
"Even though you can't finally grasp me, guess what? I still want to be known."
"You're talking about Jesus, right? Is this going to be a let's-try-to-understand-the-Trinity sort of thing?"
Papa chuckled. "Sort of, but as you might imagine, there are some advantages to being God. By nature I am completely unlimited, without bounds. I have always known fullness. I live in a state of perpetual satisfaction as my normal state of existence. Just one of the perks of Me being Me. We created you to share in that. But then Adam chose to go it on his own, as we knew he would, and everything got messed up. But instead of scrapping the whole Creation we rolled up our sleeves and entered into the middle of the mess -- that's what we have done in Jesus."
" When we three (the holy trinity) spoke ourself into human existence as the Son of God, we became fully human. We also chose to embrace all the limitations that this entailed. Even though we have always been present in this created universe, we now became flesh and blood. It would be like this bird, whose nature it is to fly, choosing only to walk and remain grounded. He doesn't stop being the bird, but it does alter his experience of life significantly?"
"Okay...?"
"Although by nature he is fully God, Jesus is fully him,an and lives as such. While never losing the innate ability to fly, he chooses moment0-by-moment to remain grounded. That is why his name is Immanuel, God with us, or God with you, to be more precise."
"But what about all the miracles? Doesn't that prove that Jesus was God--you know, more then human?"
"No it proves that Jesus is truly human."
"What?"
"My Son, I can fly, but humans can't. Jesus is fully human. Although he is also fully God, he has never drawn upon his nature as God to do anything. He has only lived out of his relationship with me, living in the very same manner that I desire to be in relationship with every human being. He is just the first to do it to the uttermost--the first to absolutely trust my life within him, the first to believe in my love and my goodness without regard for appearance or consequence."
"So, when he healed the blind?"
"He did so as a dependent, limited human being trusting in my life and power to be at work within him and through him. Jesus, as a human being, had no power within himself to heal anyone. Only as he rested in his relationship with me, and in our communion--our co-union -- could he express my heart and will into any given circumstance. So, when you look at Jesus and it appears that he's flying, he really is... flying. But what you are actually seeing is me; my life in him. That's how he lives and acts as a true human, how every human is designed to live -- out of my life."
" A bird's not defined by being grounded but by his ability to fly. Remember this, humans are not defined by their limitations, but by the intentions that I have for them; not by what they seem to be, but by everything it means to be created in my image."
Hmm, do you feel an onset of information overload? Our human friend in this passage did. He had to sit down and take some time to comprehend the teaching he recieved.
" So does this mean that you were limited when Jesus was on earth? I mean, did you limit yourself only to Jesus?"
" Not at all! Although I have only been limited in Jesus, I have never been limited in myself."
"There's that whole Trinity thing, which is where I kind of get lost."
Papa laughed a long rich belly laugh that made our friend want to join in. She set the little bird down on the table next to him , turned to open the oven, and gave the pie that was baking a quick little look. Satisfied that everything was find, Papa then pulled up a chair alongside them.
"To begin with, that you can't rasp the wonder of my nature is rather a good thing. Who wants to worship a God who can be fully comprehended, eh? Not much a mystery in that."
" But what difference does it make that there are three of you, and you are all one God. Did I say that right?
" Right enough." She grinned. "My Son, it makes all the difference in the world! We are not three gods, and we are not talking about one god with three attitudes, like a man who is a husband, father, and workers. I am one God and I am three persons, and each of the three is fully and entirely the one."
" If I were simply One God and only One Person, then you would find yourself in this Creation without something wonderful, without something essential even. And I would be utterly other than I am."
"And we would be without...? He didn't know how to finish the question.
"Love and relationship. All love and relationship is possible for you only because it already exist within Me, within God myself. Love is not the limitation; love is the flying. I am love."
As in response to her declaration the timer dinged and the little bird took off and flew out the window. Watching the Jay in flight took on a whole new level of delight. He turned back to Papa, and just stared at her in wonder. She was so beautiful and astonishing, and even though he was still feeling a little lost, he felt himself settling down somewhat into the safety of being close to her.
"You do understand," she continued, "that unless I had an object to love-- or, more accurately, a someone to love--if I did not have such a relationship within myself, then I would not be capable of love at all? You would have a god who could not love. Or maybe worse, you would have a god who, when he chose, could only love as a limitation of his nature. That kind of god could possibly act without love, and that would be a disaster. And that, is surely not me."
With that, Papa stood up, went to the oven door, pulled out the freshly baked pie, set it on the counter and, turning around as if to present herself, said, "The God who is--the I am who I am -- cannot act apart from love!"
The book continues on in greater detail. I am truthfully happy to have found this book as others were truthfully happy to have had the chance to read its contents.
The book is called:
The Shack : Where tragedy confronts eternity. By William P. Young.
If you gain something out of this passage, great! If not re-read it :).
-Frank Grubbs
"Let's pray that the human race never escapes Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere."--C.S. Lewis
Monday, July 21, 2008
The Natural or the Supernatural?
Understanding and accepting the fact that we are indeed human and that we do make mistakes is the final conclusion we need to agree upon.Regarding this realization points me towards the idea that there is a law that dictates our decision between what is right and what is wrong.This law is called The Law of Nature.In C.S. Lewis' popular novel, Mere Christianity, Lewis argues that the Natural Law dictates human morality on all levels; in every civilization. Lewis puts in in a way where I can readily understand.
"We may put this in another way. Each man is at every moment subjected to several different sets of law but there is only one of these which he is free to disobey. As a body, he is subjected to gravitation and cannot disobey it; if you leave him unsupported in mid-air, he has no more choice about falling then a stone has. As an organism, he is subjected to various biological laws which he cannot disobey any more than an animal can. This is, he cannot disobey those laws which he shares with other things; but the law which is peculiar to his human nature, the law he does not share with animals or vegetables or inorganic things, is the one he can disobey if he chooses"
Lewis goes on to argue that we, as humans, none of us are really keeping the Law. From this, We fail to practice ourselves the kind of behavior we expect from other people.
When I decided to do my drinking and my other forms of self-medication It broke me from coherency and the tendency of that Law. It broke me from free-will. When I look back on the basis of my decision I had no ability to realize the morality of my actions. Others expected me to behave in a certain way, but me being human (and other internal and external events) behaved quite the opposite. Someone or something drove me to do "evil" acts upon my friends and neighbors.
Is there really some supernatural entity that enables this Law? I believe so. Are there ways that man based on free will can readily break this law? I believe so.I consciously chose to indulge in mind altering substances. Then I subconsiouly chose to hurt those around me that I love so dearly.
I can continue on towards so many supernatural questions but with the natural mind I have been entrusted with It is impossible to find an clear answer to these questions.
I am beginning to understand that I am human. I am not perfect. I can choose to do good and stay in sobriety, or to relapse and continue to give my life over to that evil entity. I failed to practice the behavior that I expected from others. Others saw my behavior and admonished me without the realization that I am human. They did not realize that we make mistakes.
This provides an excellent skegway to the victim's understanding of my criminal actions based on vague and media portrayed information.As I was browsing the net I wanted to view some other men and women's perspectives upon my actions. This is what I found. What follows contains my reaction.
Anchorage soldier goes on vandalism spree.
"A 21-year-old Anchorage man was arrested early Friday morning and charged with slashing dozens of tires overnight in a South Anchorage neighborhood.Frank Grubbs was charged with two counts of criminal mischief, police said.The vandalism to more than 40 cars was in the area of Abbott Loop and Little Creek Drive. A resident looked out her window just after 2:30 a.m. and saw a man taking a knife to cars parked on the street. The knife was used to cut tires and scrape paint.When police arrived, they said, they found Grubbs holding a large knife and hiding behind a vehicle.A policeman lived in the neighborhood and had both a K-9 cruiser and his personal car damaged.One count of criminal mischief was for disabling a police car, the second was for the damage to all the other cars. According to a database of public records, Grubbs is licensed as a pharmacy technician and has lived in the neighborhood for more than a decade.Grubbs was lodged at the Anchorage jail with bail set at $2,500.
There are two reasons that I felt compelled to post this story.One is that this guy is a soldier who is scheduled to deploy to Iraq next month and was clearly desperate to keep that from happening.And two is that this incident happened one street over from where I live!I only learned about this when I went to work and that is also where I found out all of the extra details.This guy REALLY did not want to go to Iraq. He slashed tires on three streets and damaged two police cars and simply waited to be caught. He seemed a little incoherent apparently but he was determined to get into enough trouble to keep him out of this ridiculous war.I don't know if he has already done a tour or not, but if I find out I will do a follow up to this story. This is just one example of the toll this debacle is having on people's lives that does not get reported by the news media.
I was readily disgusted with this mans lack of information. I decided to give him the real story.
This is a very interesting post regarding this young individual whom went on a "tire slashing rampage", for the mere fact of not getting deployed. You are talking about somebody's life, somebody's life which was devastated by a disease. That disease is called Alcoholism. I am talking about myself here. I am that Soldier.What the media portrayed is not the complete story. They do not look into the pure spirit of the man, but reside to the facade I have built up over the years with my disease. Alcohol and drugs devastate not only the user, but those around him or her. The "tire spree" was a clear representation of that devastation.There isn't a day where I do not feel remorse for what I did that night. I can only ask for forgiveness and repay my debts to society. My struggle was a spiritual struggle. There has always been a constant battle of right and wrong residing between my ears. Alcohol was the self-medication to suppress the constant war, but did quite the opposite. It invoked an evil that resided within me.I have always wanted to serve my country. I have always wanted to be a leader. A couple of days ago I had to say goodbye to the soldiers whom were leaving for Iraq. I was supposed to be one of them. I wanted to be one of them. It was a chance for me to start my life over. It was a chance for me to become a new man.Alcoholism and addiction is a vicious circle. Without the proper care and treatment, as you have seen, can change a man. Who plan's to devastate their lives? Why would any coherent individual decide to go out and throw his life in the garbage? I definitely didn't want to destroy my life. I bet you wouldn't either.Don't get me wrong.I have always known what is right. I have always known what is wrong. That is what we call the Law of Nature. We as humans, all over the earth, have this curious idea that they ought to behave in a certain way, and cannot really get rid of it. We as humans do not behave in that way. We know the Law of Nature; we break it. Alas, for me, at the time of the crime I was completely intoxicated. I was incapable of any coherent cognition.If you had any chance of knowing me sober ( and I have been since rehabilitation ), you would know me as a hard-working, intelligent , neighbor-friendly individual. I was the best of the best, and always strived for more. Please do not be blind and accept the facade the media portrays about individuals. When you get a more in-depth story and understanding you can realize the person on the other side of that wall.I'm not trying to escape my actions. The past is the past. I have got to accept my actions. I have to accept my scars. Our scars remind us that the past is indeed real. Some scars are mental, some are physical. I have my fair share of both.Gryphen I am sorry to inform you that you prediction about my behavior, based on the media's perspective, is faulty. You quote.May 03 , 2008"There are two reasons that I felt compelled to post this story.One is that this guy is a soldier who is scheduled to deploy to Iraq next month and was clearly desperate to keep that from happening.And two is that this incident happened one street over from where I live! "
1. There was no "obvious" desperation in me to ruin my life.- As I have tried to explain above... when you are under the influence you do not have direct control of your actions.
2. I am the victim's neighbors. - As a neighbor, for more then a decade I have known many of the victims. They are victims, yes. I was the main victim of my addiction to alcohol.
I woke up in jail, unaware of my actions. There was no pre-mediated effort on my part to abstain from my military duties. There was and there is no evidence of me directly choosing to slash the police officers tires. It was a random act of violence, mediated by alcohol.
When you say "little", were you there to give me a breathalyzer? How can you come to such a conclusion with little to no facts to support it? Please, before you blog and before you make assumptions about other people based on the facade get your story straight.I know you didn't have much to work with and I understand where you are coming from. I can understand your faulty little assumptions.
I would like to share with you Gryphen with what I had to endure. This is what i wrote a couple hours after I shook the hands of the deploying soldiers. I was supposed to go with them. This is what was going through my mind.
"I am consciously aware of these changes but I feel like I am a prisoner on the inside. My mind seems to be controlling what my body does. I can shout and plea but my emotions seem to have their own conductor. As I am starting to understand more and more about cognition and its laws I can use these techniques to release the man in the cage. How would you like to be locked up inside your own head. Someone is always there, dangling the keys for my release. You are always looking for a way to get a hold of that key. To be released. Emotional stability is what I desire.The past couple days for me have been a mental crusade. I went into my military drill with the utmost confidence, but with the things that are going on in this natural world it is hard for my faith to follow suit. The oil in my lamp is reaching an end and I need to refill it, not with drugs and alcohol but with hard work and determination in my faith.The first day of drill was an endeavor, I decided to open up emotionally to many there so they can look at the person struggling within the cage, instead of the facade that I worked so hard on to create. I noticed how others were still the same and acted in the same manner towards others as if nothing has ever changed in their lives in the past couple months. I was jealous. I wanted to put myself in their boots. I found myself in the restroom peering at myself within the mirror.
You look great in that military uniform. Why did you have to throw all this all away? I looked deep within my reflection questioning my existence. Questioning my thought patterns.I looked tired.My skeleton was out of the closet. Everyone had a view of what I really was ,emotionally and physically. At that moment I saw it as well. I see how others saw me. I visualized myself naked , crouched in the fetal position rotting away in the depths of a damp and deserted dungeon. I saw myself at my weakest. I felt a warm weight on my chest. I didn't notice at the time I had the keys right next to me the entire time. The keys were right at the tips of my fingers. I was holding my rosary and the Bible was over my heart. Suddenly my crucifix fell off my rosary and I felt a deep remorse. How easily the light can flutter. The utter joy of being within his presence followed by deep despair for an symbolic situation which could easily be logically explained. This sudden revelation brought me back into the small beams of light emanating from the cell door. I forced a smile and returned to the classroom.My light was glowing and others noticed. My oil reserves were steadily dwindling as if there was a leak on the basin. I talked in depth with others, letting them know that we are human and humans make mistakes. I kept my confidence and military demeanor. My friends were leaving tomorrow for Iraq. I was to partake in these events but I had to sit this one out. The handshaking and appreciation for those going overseas seemed endless. As I shook each and every one of their hands I thought of how heroic it would have been to undertake the journey. To travel a long distance away from some of my problems, collect myself and learn to love and learn to be a leader in another fashion. I stared into their eyes with remorse but portrayed comfort.I felt sorry for myself. Why did I have to put the people I have loved for so long in this position? Why did I of all people have to acquire such a demoralizing disease? I started to put the blame on my parents and others around me. I was so focused on the negatives I didn't realize the insights and knowledge I learned from my previous experiences. The day ended without excitement and I returned home as my mind was racing over the daily grind.
- Frank Grubbs , Defiantly not a part of the Immoral Minority.
After my response a day later the man responded and much to my delight, apologized for his response.
I read your entire response Frank and I offer my apologies if I jumped to a conclusion which was inaccurate.The funny thing was I almost did not post the story. But I kept bumping into it at work and on the news and could not stop thinking about the reasons for your actions.
I felt it was probably a safe bet to assume that your rampage was related your upcoming deployment. I of course made that assumption using the news story and some comments from some of your neighbors that I ran into. I apologize again for my mistake.
I am glad you received help with your addictions and hope that you are doing well.You are not a part of my minority and that is fine, I guess if it had too many members it would not remain a "minority".
I also noticed that you may have a penchant for writing. Perhaps you should start a blog of your own. If you do send me a link and I will add it to my blogroll. I am always interested in getting different points of view and of being corrected if I make the mistake or seeing things too narrowly through my own prism.So again I thank you for taking the time to explain your side of the story.Take care of yourself.
Gryphen.
This post meant alot to me, so I had to reply.
Gryphen,
First of all thank you for your support and for your apology.
Secondly, the assumptions you made were true to the facts that sustained them. Like I said before we all make mistakes and some of them we are not aware of.
My intervention came through a combination of my imprisonment, rehabilitation and the loving support of close friends and family members. I am truthfully blessed for having the eyes of my heart opened towards the dreadfulness of my actions.
I am undoubtedly linked towards others and their willingness to forgive. So I thank you for your forgiveness of my transgressions.I have, and been doing quite a bit of writing on my own but never actually thought of posting my thoughts and emotions on a web blog for others to relate towards.
You, as well have an uncanny knack for words and your opinion and many other people's opinions, besides my own, grants me wisdom and insight towards other view points that I once shrugged off as a mere lack of intelligence.
Sometimes pain and suffering can facilitate maturity. For me those pains and those sufferings have led me beyond other peoples opinions that I once rebuked.I look forwards to getting to know you better, for some of your writing and some of your insight brings me to question the men and women whom have fallen into your description of "The Immoral Minority."
For me, morality and the feeling of doing what is right and what is presented as "true" in the eyes of our society brings me to question my relationship towards those morals. I would like to share my opinion's with your opinions. I will definetly be a regular visitor to your blog, until I find the time myself to create one of my own. Please feel free to question my ideas and feel free to disect any thought that I have for the greater good of morality.
Your Friend,
Frank Grubbs
I came to terms with my true feelings regarding morality. I came to the conclusion as stated at the begining of this blog. I learned alot about myself and I learned alot about others. I hope that you and others beyond myself will come to the same conclusion. I learned to forgive others, but mainly I learned to Forgive myself.
"We may put this in another way. Each man is at every moment subjected to several different sets of law but there is only one of these which he is free to disobey. As a body, he is subjected to gravitation and cannot disobey it; if you leave him unsupported in mid-air, he has no more choice about falling then a stone has. As an organism, he is subjected to various biological laws which he cannot disobey any more than an animal can. This is, he cannot disobey those laws which he shares with other things; but the law which is peculiar to his human nature, the law he does not share with animals or vegetables or inorganic things, is the one he can disobey if he chooses"
Lewis goes on to argue that we, as humans, none of us are really keeping the Law. From this, We fail to practice ourselves the kind of behavior we expect from other people.
When I decided to do my drinking and my other forms of self-medication It broke me from coherency and the tendency of that Law. It broke me from free-will. When I look back on the basis of my decision I had no ability to realize the morality of my actions. Others expected me to behave in a certain way, but me being human (and other internal and external events) behaved quite the opposite. Someone or something drove me to do "evil" acts upon my friends and neighbors.
Is there really some supernatural entity that enables this Law? I believe so. Are there ways that man based on free will can readily break this law? I believe so.I consciously chose to indulge in mind altering substances. Then I subconsiouly chose to hurt those around me that I love so dearly.
I can continue on towards so many supernatural questions but with the natural mind I have been entrusted with It is impossible to find an clear answer to these questions.
I am beginning to understand that I am human. I am not perfect. I can choose to do good and stay in sobriety, or to relapse and continue to give my life over to that evil entity. I failed to practice the behavior that I expected from others. Others saw my behavior and admonished me without the realization that I am human. They did not realize that we make mistakes.
This provides an excellent skegway to the victim's understanding of my criminal actions based on vague and media portrayed information.As I was browsing the net I wanted to view some other men and women's perspectives upon my actions. This is what I found. What follows contains my reaction.
Anchorage soldier goes on vandalism spree.
"A 21-year-old Anchorage man was arrested early Friday morning and charged with slashing dozens of tires overnight in a South Anchorage neighborhood.Frank Grubbs was charged with two counts of criminal mischief, police said.The vandalism to more than 40 cars was in the area of Abbott Loop and Little Creek Drive. A resident looked out her window just after 2:30 a.m. and saw a man taking a knife to cars parked on the street. The knife was used to cut tires and scrape paint.When police arrived, they said, they found Grubbs holding a large knife and hiding behind a vehicle.A policeman lived in the neighborhood and had both a K-9 cruiser and his personal car damaged.One count of criminal mischief was for disabling a police car, the second was for the damage to all the other cars. According to a database of public records, Grubbs is licensed as a pharmacy technician and has lived in the neighborhood for more than a decade.Grubbs was lodged at the Anchorage jail with bail set at $2,500.
There are two reasons that I felt compelled to post this story.One is that this guy is a soldier who is scheduled to deploy to Iraq next month and was clearly desperate to keep that from happening.And two is that this incident happened one street over from where I live!I only learned about this when I went to work and that is also where I found out all of the extra details.This guy REALLY did not want to go to Iraq. He slashed tires on three streets and damaged two police cars and simply waited to be caught. He seemed a little incoherent apparently but he was determined to get into enough trouble to keep him out of this ridiculous war.I don't know if he has already done a tour or not, but if I find out I will do a follow up to this story. This is just one example of the toll this debacle is having on people's lives that does not get reported by the news media.
I was readily disgusted with this mans lack of information. I decided to give him the real story.
This is a very interesting post regarding this young individual whom went on a "tire slashing rampage", for the mere fact of not getting deployed. You are talking about somebody's life, somebody's life which was devastated by a disease. That disease is called Alcoholism. I am talking about myself here. I am that Soldier.What the media portrayed is not the complete story. They do not look into the pure spirit of the man, but reside to the facade I have built up over the years with my disease. Alcohol and drugs devastate not only the user, but those around him or her. The "tire spree" was a clear representation of that devastation.There isn't a day where I do not feel remorse for what I did that night. I can only ask for forgiveness and repay my debts to society. My struggle was a spiritual struggle. There has always been a constant battle of right and wrong residing between my ears. Alcohol was the self-medication to suppress the constant war, but did quite the opposite. It invoked an evil that resided within me.I have always wanted to serve my country. I have always wanted to be a leader. A couple of days ago I had to say goodbye to the soldiers whom were leaving for Iraq. I was supposed to be one of them. I wanted to be one of them. It was a chance for me to start my life over. It was a chance for me to become a new man.Alcoholism and addiction is a vicious circle. Without the proper care and treatment, as you have seen, can change a man. Who plan's to devastate their lives? Why would any coherent individual decide to go out and throw his life in the garbage? I definitely didn't want to destroy my life. I bet you wouldn't either.Don't get me wrong.I have always known what is right. I have always known what is wrong. That is what we call the Law of Nature. We as humans, all over the earth, have this curious idea that they ought to behave in a certain way, and cannot really get rid of it. We as humans do not behave in that way. We know the Law of Nature; we break it. Alas, for me, at the time of the crime I was completely intoxicated. I was incapable of any coherent cognition.If you had any chance of knowing me sober ( and I have been since rehabilitation ), you would know me as a hard-working, intelligent , neighbor-friendly individual. I was the best of the best, and always strived for more. Please do not be blind and accept the facade the media portrays about individuals. When you get a more in-depth story and understanding you can realize the person on the other side of that wall.I'm not trying to escape my actions. The past is the past. I have got to accept my actions. I have to accept my scars. Our scars remind us that the past is indeed real. Some scars are mental, some are physical. I have my fair share of both.Gryphen I am sorry to inform you that you prediction about my behavior, based on the media's perspective, is faulty. You quote.May 03 , 2008"There are two reasons that I felt compelled to post this story.One is that this guy is a soldier who is scheduled to deploy to Iraq next month and was clearly desperate to keep that from happening.And two is that this incident happened one street over from where I live! "
1. There was no "obvious" desperation in me to ruin my life.- As I have tried to explain above... when you are under the influence you do not have direct control of your actions.
2. I am the victim's neighbors. - As a neighbor, for more then a decade I have known many of the victims. They are victims, yes. I was the main victim of my addiction to alcohol.
I woke up in jail, unaware of my actions. There was no pre-mediated effort on my part to abstain from my military duties. There was and there is no evidence of me directly choosing to slash the police officers tires. It was a random act of violence, mediated by alcohol.
When you say "little", were you there to give me a breathalyzer? How can you come to such a conclusion with little to no facts to support it? Please, before you blog and before you make assumptions about other people based on the facade get your story straight.I know you didn't have much to work with and I understand where you are coming from. I can understand your faulty little assumptions.
I would like to share with you Gryphen with what I had to endure. This is what i wrote a couple hours after I shook the hands of the deploying soldiers. I was supposed to go with them. This is what was going through my mind.
"I am consciously aware of these changes but I feel like I am a prisoner on the inside. My mind seems to be controlling what my body does. I can shout and plea but my emotions seem to have their own conductor. As I am starting to understand more and more about cognition and its laws I can use these techniques to release the man in the cage. How would you like to be locked up inside your own head. Someone is always there, dangling the keys for my release. You are always looking for a way to get a hold of that key. To be released. Emotional stability is what I desire.The past couple days for me have been a mental crusade. I went into my military drill with the utmost confidence, but with the things that are going on in this natural world it is hard for my faith to follow suit. The oil in my lamp is reaching an end and I need to refill it, not with drugs and alcohol but with hard work and determination in my faith.The first day of drill was an endeavor, I decided to open up emotionally to many there so they can look at the person struggling within the cage, instead of the facade that I worked so hard on to create. I noticed how others were still the same and acted in the same manner towards others as if nothing has ever changed in their lives in the past couple months. I was jealous. I wanted to put myself in their boots. I found myself in the restroom peering at myself within the mirror.
You look great in that military uniform. Why did you have to throw all this all away? I looked deep within my reflection questioning my existence. Questioning my thought patterns.I looked tired.My skeleton was out of the closet. Everyone had a view of what I really was ,emotionally and physically. At that moment I saw it as well. I see how others saw me. I visualized myself naked , crouched in the fetal position rotting away in the depths of a damp and deserted dungeon. I saw myself at my weakest. I felt a warm weight on my chest. I didn't notice at the time I had the keys right next to me the entire time. The keys were right at the tips of my fingers. I was holding my rosary and the Bible was over my heart. Suddenly my crucifix fell off my rosary and I felt a deep remorse. How easily the light can flutter. The utter joy of being within his presence followed by deep despair for an symbolic situation which could easily be logically explained. This sudden revelation brought me back into the small beams of light emanating from the cell door. I forced a smile and returned to the classroom.My light was glowing and others noticed. My oil reserves were steadily dwindling as if there was a leak on the basin. I talked in depth with others, letting them know that we are human and humans make mistakes. I kept my confidence and military demeanor. My friends were leaving tomorrow for Iraq. I was to partake in these events but I had to sit this one out. The handshaking and appreciation for those going overseas seemed endless. As I shook each and every one of their hands I thought of how heroic it would have been to undertake the journey. To travel a long distance away from some of my problems, collect myself and learn to love and learn to be a leader in another fashion. I stared into their eyes with remorse but portrayed comfort.I felt sorry for myself. Why did I have to put the people I have loved for so long in this position? Why did I of all people have to acquire such a demoralizing disease? I started to put the blame on my parents and others around me. I was so focused on the negatives I didn't realize the insights and knowledge I learned from my previous experiences. The day ended without excitement and I returned home as my mind was racing over the daily grind.
- Frank Grubbs , Defiantly not a part of the Immoral Minority.
After my response a day later the man responded and much to my delight, apologized for his response.
I read your entire response Frank and I offer my apologies if I jumped to a conclusion which was inaccurate.The funny thing was I almost did not post the story. But I kept bumping into it at work and on the news and could not stop thinking about the reasons for your actions.
I felt it was probably a safe bet to assume that your rampage was related your upcoming deployment. I of course made that assumption using the news story and some comments from some of your neighbors that I ran into. I apologize again for my mistake.
I am glad you received help with your addictions and hope that you are doing well.You are not a part of my minority and that is fine, I guess if it had too many members it would not remain a "minority".
I also noticed that you may have a penchant for writing. Perhaps you should start a blog of your own. If you do send me a link and I will add it to my blogroll. I am always interested in getting different points of view and of being corrected if I make the mistake or seeing things too narrowly through my own prism.So again I thank you for taking the time to explain your side of the story.Take care of yourself.
Gryphen.
This post meant alot to me, so I had to reply.
Gryphen,
First of all thank you for your support and for your apology.
Secondly, the assumptions you made were true to the facts that sustained them. Like I said before we all make mistakes and some of them we are not aware of.
My intervention came through a combination of my imprisonment, rehabilitation and the loving support of close friends and family members. I am truthfully blessed for having the eyes of my heart opened towards the dreadfulness of my actions.
I am undoubtedly linked towards others and their willingness to forgive. So I thank you for your forgiveness of my transgressions.I have, and been doing quite a bit of writing on my own but never actually thought of posting my thoughts and emotions on a web blog for others to relate towards.
You, as well have an uncanny knack for words and your opinion and many other people's opinions, besides my own, grants me wisdom and insight towards other view points that I once shrugged off as a mere lack of intelligence.
Sometimes pain and suffering can facilitate maturity. For me those pains and those sufferings have led me beyond other peoples opinions that I once rebuked.I look forwards to getting to know you better, for some of your writing and some of your insight brings me to question the men and women whom have fallen into your description of "The Immoral Minority."
For me, morality and the feeling of doing what is right and what is presented as "true" in the eyes of our society brings me to question my relationship towards those morals. I would like to share my opinion's with your opinions. I will definetly be a regular visitor to your blog, until I find the time myself to create one of my own. Please feel free to question my ideas and feel free to disect any thought that I have for the greater good of morality.
Your Friend,
Frank Grubbs
I came to terms with my true feelings regarding morality. I came to the conclusion as stated at the begining of this blog. I learned alot about myself and I learned alot about others. I hope that you and others beyond myself will come to the same conclusion. I learned to forgive others, but mainly I learned to Forgive myself.
A Fresh Start
This is my First Post. I would like to keep it short and sweet.
I am here for me. I am also here for you.
We can come together and share our wisdom.
We can come together and share our failures.
We can come together to balance our emotions.
As we go on in life and gain knowlege and wisdom we strengthen our inner eye.
I am here for me. I am also here for you.
We can come together and share our wisdom.
We can come together and share our failures.
We can come together to balance our emotions.
As we go on in life and gain knowlege and wisdom we strengthen our inner eye.
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