Life

I hate my life.

Random Thoughts

I am sitting here befuddled about the future.
About what is the truth, and what path will lead me down the right road.
I can continue to complain. 

Will that get me anywhere? It hasn't in the past.
We all have the power to change things. We can be our own miracles. 
How do I and How can I perform the miracle of which I ask when everything was taken away?
Everything, more like the things of this world that the natural mind desires.
I wish to be my own miracle. I just need the strength.

I am confused. Still. Distraught from past experiences.
My mind is currently flooded with natural lusts and desires.
I do not wish to fall back into what I have already done to myself in the past.

Some tell me everything happens for a reason. I wish to put my old self away.
Bury the old, with the old ways of thinking and cleanse myself. Be a new creation.

I was told recently, in the midst of my distress to read Philippians 4 and to take away something from it.

Philippians 4

 ¹Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends!

Exhortations

 ²I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. ³Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow,^{a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.

 ⁴Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 ⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Thanks for Their Gifts

 ¹⁰I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. ¹¹I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

 ¹⁴Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. ¹⁵Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only; ¹⁶for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid again and again when I was in need. ¹⁷Not that I am looking for a gift, but I am looking for what may be credited to your account. ¹⁸I have received full payment and even more; I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. ¹⁹And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

 ²⁰To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Final Greetings

 ²¹Greet all the saints in Christ Jesus. The brothers who are with me send greetings. ²²All the saints send you greetings, especially those who belong to Caesar's household.

 ²³The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Amen.^{b]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[b]}

Forgive me. Renew me. Love me.

Obstacles and Trials

Obstacles -

Why do I continue to not do which is right?

Why do I sin on my pillow, this wretched of nights?

You have given me hope though! 

Through the holy spirit you haveth given me light.

To guide me through the shadows of the valley of death.

I wish for you. I want you.

Holy Spirit.

Do not hide your face. Listen to me. This is all I want.

 Communion is what I desire. Your presence, fellowship, participation, friendship, sharing weakness and comradeship.

As I take another breath and peer into the future I understand that it is by your grace that another breath shall follow.
As I take another step I let you take control of my path.
Guide me Jehovah. The Holy Trinity. Hold me up, lift me up.
Turn a sinner from his ways. Make the future filled with better days.

I saw things and rejoiced.
I am saved.
 I chose to abstain from the spiritual mind and
chose to accept of which my carnal flesh whispers in my ear.

I have come to a revelation. 
I have the fear. 

For I know even the righteous of heart can be enticed.
We can be thrown from the green pastures.
And return to where we once were.

It takes endurance. Strength through all trials and tribulations.
It takes Faith. A leap. A blind step.

I want that grin. That smile on my face that says. I trust in you.
When I lay down and awaken, pave my way.
Help me soar above mountainous obstacles.

I promise.

From this day forward.


 When I open my eyes and before I close them, I will be in communion with the Trinity.

I shall utter the words, "Good Morning Holy Spirit" when a new day abound.
I shall pray at night for as long as the spirit wills.
Pray until I am comforted.
Pray until I'm found.

Hold my hand O merciful Lord. For I humble myself.
I am not filled with broken promises. I am stronger then that.
Heres my cup Lord. Fill it up Lord. With your grace. 
Heres my heart Lord. Embrace it.
Heres my flesh Lord. Work through it.
For I am yours. Now and through eternity!
Amen.

Limit

A revolution, turn thy mind
A surrender, humble thy body
A suffrage, persevere in faith.

I accept my limits.
Do you accept yours?

Formulate a revision
of my mind and soul
write upon and erase my soiled personal narrative

Vindicate me O Lord and rise me up High!
Standing on my tip toes, reaching to the sky
I begin to falter and stumble and try

to remember your promise that was lifted up and put in a way,
which puts a smile on my face every single day.
Now I'm revised and my vision is clear, I can honestly say

"I have nothing to fear."
but you Lord
I honesty fear and of whom
I rejoice, 

your revision has 

returned my voice.

This revision was hard to come by.
The process:
filled with tears
filled with passion, determination and trust!
Once had gold, now have dust.

"What shall you chose? Lust and desire? No!
Rebuke your lust or you shall return to the fire!"
Away from the natural, go towards the light!
Be lifted up with zeal and might.

Your word glows and the oil flows
The candle flickers, the wind blows.
You were lost, where to go?

Hold my hand, close your eyes.
Take the leap with me. 

For I will be here.

Through storms and weather
that wish to cloud the light.

Which turn you against, your brother, your mother.
I start to fight.

I begin to drown. I am lost, as I continue down
the light fades as I take my last breath I scream out in protest

" Revise me! Return me to the surface! I wish to be new!
I will humble myself, to be more like you!"

My breath has returned and senses renewed.
I gag and repent as the spirit twirls before my eyes
The Heavenly essence is indescribable
The Hand of God transcendent.
I feel as If I am dreaming.

It has begun. 

Through the narrow gate you have passed.
You have struggled through adversity. 

You have love. You have my garden.
Rejoice! 

For Your heart is unsoiled,

 lay in the grass.
Of my green pastures.

Updated Visions of my Person

Born Again -

I am new and not withered. I feel refreshed as the warm embraces my once shattered heart. I have a purpose and that purpose is Jesus Christ. Over what seems like years and through storms of the mind, I have again resurfaced and the air seems more pure and justified.I cannot begin to explain the emotions I have put myself through over the past couple months. From damnation, depression - to the point of a attempted suicide, to a born again christian (transformation seemed to happen within milliseconds). How I wish for that moment I shared with the Lord to be eternal.

The path

The path - Frank Grubbs


Take the path
on the beaten road.
Take a turn
be a median
not the mode.
Figuratively speaking
look for an inner code.

A Rosetta stone
to decipher this meaningless inquiry.
Be upbeat and become something fiery.

Grow in luminescent productivity
Live in ecstasy not in eternal drudgery.

Upon the path less taken
you are overflowing with oil
away from the toil
away from the forsaken
You have changed.
A God in the making.

You live and walk in the truth
but find that which was the real is but a lie
Return to the begining and be honest and try.

Peer deeper
into your heart
into your mind
It is but the start

To take the beaten path towards self reflection
is the key to bypass self deception.
hold out your arms be my reception
Your emotions will flow with internal perception.

Doors, Walls and Windows.

Before you were lost and had no escape. There was a brick wall that blocked your path towards the truth. Each and every day you can work hard to demolish this wall that contains your beliefs. Brick by brick ,idea by idea you change your opportunities.

When the wall is low enough to climb do not be afraid of what is on the other side. Change is difficult but if you have faith in the unseen ,making the trek becomes much more easier.

When you land upon the other side work in haste. Pick up the tools you have learned and rebuild the wall to seperate you from unrightousness.

Create a door with a lock so you can look back upon which you were. You now have the key and you are in control of where you belong. If you were smart enough you would have created some windows within the wall of truth. In doing so you will not have to deal with some of the unrigtouness that would diffuse into your free mind. By creating a window
you can peer into the past whist the alimighty liar peers through the keyhole waiting for your return.

Understand that your past self and your past ideologies belong on the other side of the door and that you will never fall into the hands of the devil.

Cognitive

- Gears of the Mind -

The gears of my mind grind towards a definite but obscure goal. My dreams tell me to be a better man but my conscious mind tells me otherwise. My dreams lead me to believe that nothing is impossible whilst my rationale drags me towards oblivion.

My mind contains an algorithm. Although I cannot escape which has been programed, if I so choose I can alter the input and hopefully receive a somewhat desirable output.

Before I didn't understand that I could be in control. Others took control of the reins and left me lost in translation. I now dictate my feelings thoughts and actions. No drug, person or entity can replace me. I will no longer ride shotgun for I am in the drivers seat.

If I fall or take one hand off the steering wheel I have a friend to help me vear and avoid the potholes of life. If I become lethargic and start to fall into a slumber my family will awaken me and point me in the right direction. Before the signs pointing towards success were fuzzy and were written in a language I couldn't understand.

With proper treatment and a sociological cane I have regain stability and the gears of my mind now turn in the right direction.Now that I have questioned my rationale my dreams seem to be trying to bring me back to which what I was so accustomed to. I am presented with mountainous obstacles and minuscule ambitions. I have tested the waters of oblivion and now I understand that anything is possible. A moutain now is but a grain of sand.

Zen

I feel different. Going a night without sleep and without any type of medication to help me sleep makes me somewhat emotional.I feel at peace with myself and others around me.Earlier I was about to cry because I was looking towards the mundaneand the things that I couldn't change.Tomorrow I have my first day of training for the library and I am readily excited to start. I will put 110 percent of my effort and knowledge into this job to show these undergraduates and other graduates and doctors or what have you that I am the next PHD or Dr. I know that I can do this. Well now I know that I can do this but what about thirty minutes from now? Will I still be the same? I do not know if this medication is helping me or hurting me.For others the simple things in life seem to make them laugh, for me it takes something extraordinary. If someone laughs at their mistake I laugh with them but at their utter ignorance.I wish that I could have my degree right now and wouldn't have to worry about all my financial issues. I guess time will heal.I keep trying to renew my faith in the lord but it currently is not working. Everyone tells me to wait on the lord but for me it is tearing me up inside.

Zen-

I live in tranquility

An eternal blessed mind

Sunshine and rays of hopefulness

flow through my limber muscles.

I wish to understand
to find

the underlying basis of my activities.

Why do I cry? Why do I smile? Why do I hate?

Is there something above me or below me?

At the moment I don't care

Not about me

not about nothing.

Peace fills my heart

I wish this will never end

I wish the depression will not start

I smile and stare at the minuscule sand

that has found its way between my toes

I laugh as I continue to realize how

We were created from that dust

A vast world awaits

for me to provide my inner creationism

beyond any one's imagination.

The signals reside

between my ears

I try to grasp onbut there is no one there.

Others say

You have nothing to fear!

I shake my head

I feel despair

The world seems dim

There is no might

I fall into the schedule

I live by the night.

The cycle continues

I walk into the light

To start another episode.