Doors, Walls and Windows.

Before you were lost and had no escape. There was a brick wall that blocked your path towards the truth. Each and every day you can work hard to demolish this wall that contains your beliefs. Brick by brick ,idea by idea you change your opportunities.

When the wall is low enough to climb do not be afraid of what is on the other side. Change is difficult but if you have faith in the unseen ,making the trek becomes much more easier.

When you land upon the other side work in haste. Pick up the tools you have learned and rebuild the wall to seperate you from unrightousness.

Create a door with a lock so you can look back upon which you were. You now have the key and you are in control of where you belong. If you were smart enough you would have created some windows within the wall of truth. In doing so you will not have to deal with some of the unrigtouness that would diffuse into your free mind. By creating a window
you can peer into the past whist the alimighty liar peers through the keyhole waiting for your return.

Understand that your past self and your past ideologies belong on the other side of the door and that you will never fall into the hands of the devil.

Cognitive

- Gears of the Mind -

The gears of my mind grind towards a definite but obscure goal. My dreams tell me to be a better man but my conscious mind tells me otherwise. My dreams lead me to believe that nothing is impossible whilst my rationale drags me towards oblivion.

My mind contains an algorithm. Although I cannot escape which has been programed, if I so choose I can alter the input and hopefully receive a somewhat desirable output.

Before I didn't understand that I could be in control. Others took control of the reins and left me lost in translation. I now dictate my feelings thoughts and actions. No drug, person or entity can replace me. I will no longer ride shotgun for I am in the drivers seat.

If I fall or take one hand off the steering wheel I have a friend to help me vear and avoid the potholes of life. If I become lethargic and start to fall into a slumber my family will awaken me and point me in the right direction. Before the signs pointing towards success were fuzzy and were written in a language I couldn't understand.

With proper treatment and a sociological cane I have regain stability and the gears of my mind now turn in the right direction.Now that I have questioned my rationale my dreams seem to be trying to bring me back to which what I was so accustomed to. I am presented with mountainous obstacles and minuscule ambitions. I have tested the waters of oblivion and now I understand that anything is possible. A moutain now is but a grain of sand.

Zen

I feel different. Going a night without sleep and without any type of medication to help me sleep makes me somewhat emotional.I feel at peace with myself and others around me.Earlier I was about to cry because I was looking towards the mundaneand the things that I couldn't change.Tomorrow I have my first day of training for the library and I am readily excited to start. I will put 110 percent of my effort and knowledge into this job to show these undergraduates and other graduates and doctors or what have you that I am the next PHD or Dr. I know that I can do this. Well now I know that I can do this but what about thirty minutes from now? Will I still be the same? I do not know if this medication is helping me or hurting me.For others the simple things in life seem to make them laugh, for me it takes something extraordinary. If someone laughs at their mistake I laugh with them but at their utter ignorance.I wish that I could have my degree right now and wouldn't have to worry about all my financial issues. I guess time will heal.I keep trying to renew my faith in the lord but it currently is not working. Everyone tells me to wait on the lord but for me it is tearing me up inside.

Zen-

I live in tranquility

An eternal blessed mind

Sunshine and rays of hopefulness

flow through my limber muscles.

I wish to understand
to find

the underlying basis of my activities.

Why do I cry? Why do I smile? Why do I hate?

Is there something above me or below me?

At the moment I don't care

Not about me

not about nothing.

Peace fills my heart

I wish this will never end

I wish the depression will not start

I smile and stare at the minuscule sand

that has found its way between my toes

I laugh as I continue to realize how

We were created from that dust

A vast world awaits

for me to provide my inner creationism

beyond any one's imagination.

The signals reside

between my ears

I try to grasp onbut there is no one there.

Others say

You have nothing to fear!

I shake my head

I feel despair

The world seems dim

There is no might

I fall into the schedule

I live by the night.

The cycle continues

I walk into the light

To start another episode.

Pills

Pills presently seem to negotiate between the consistent struggle between my maniac and depressive episodes. These pills help. Well I can say that they help, but they could be an placebo's placebo. They could be a fake of a fake. I just could be believing that these pills are working but down to the biochemical level all I am receiving is mere sugar.

Life over the past couple weeks have been fairly hectic psychologically for me. I will be starting school here in a couple of days so I am about to find out how these pills have affected my ability to concentrate and stay on task.I have also received a job at the UAA library which is such a blessing. I believe through the combination of pills, psychotherapy and faith my longing for stability will be fulfilled.

Pills

Red pill
Blue pill
Green pill
White pill

Go to the pharmacy to gain a refill.

Pop the red one when your ill

Pop the blue pill when your well.

Save the green one when your off to bed

Pop the white pill to regain your head.

You alter the conductor of my mind.

Sometimes I wish you were not there

I wish for those highs but I still cringe in fear

of depression.

Pills

at times you are my savior

at others you are a mere inconvenience

Although I do not readily understand your methods

I trust in your colours.

Tired: I'm not a Bum!

I am completely exhausted. I am tired.
I am drained. From lifes little battles.

A Continuous cycle of night and day
isn't right by my standard.

My circadian rhythm seems to be a tad off tune.
I wake up to the rising of the moon and try to escape the brightness of the sun during the day.

I live a Night Life.

I feel an emotional high followed by a low. I need to stay up longer. So I chug some more coffee.

This insomnia is killing me! I urge for a cure. I try melatonin supplements but nothing is working. Maybe if I just stay up the whole day. Fall into the right rhythm then everything will turn out okay.

Instead of being a recluse and hiding in the shade, to participate in our society's function undeniably by day. I could thwart my Night Life and begin to be.

A contributing member.

Struggle

Struggle - Frank Grubbs

I Struggle
I Squirm
I hold onto myself.
I cannot affirm
The pain ,the laughter
Why does anything matter?

I shower. I pray.
For forgiveness
Today..


I cannot see you
But I need you.
I'm on the other side
Drenched in my sorrow
no hope for tomorrow.

Break the glass
which clouds and rains
upon my broken spirit.

The shower stings and burns
What have I done
To earn this?

I am consistently soaking up sin
not letting anything go
The drain is demoralizing
Where does it go?

Release me from suffering
From the constant bombardment
Of ridicule
From others

Make me clean and pure
I'm already clean on the surface
Hold my hand and lets clean the heart
Show me o Lord
Where to start.
To shine in the Lord
Is what I desire.
Please Lord, take me from this rain
This eternal fire.

The Virus within my mind

A definite blow to my insecurity as a non-user.
I used.
I relapsed.
I'm an abuser.
I continue to look down on myself

As if I'm a loser.

I cannot keep assigning roles
Assigning signs
Assigning moles.

In the depths of my subconscious
Someone does hide.
Such as a virus or worm
deep in my mind.

Hes not of our Kind

A mole

Hes filthy and rotten
Ill-tempered
my old self seems forgotten.

I wish to hear
I wish to see
I wish to feel
I wish to touch
I wish to taste

Nothing of the almighty tempter
But of what is good and just.

I continue to question
How I continue to Lust?
Why must why must!?
I continue to sin and lose my old way
I ask for his grace
I ask today.

For you to come and come swift
Before the mole takes over
And sends me adrift.

Away from reality , away from love.
This mole is continuously
trying to shove

me into sin

into transgression

I ask you lord
Renew my remission
Renew my faith
Remove my transgressions.

I wish to start over new
With you in my heart
I will not relapse ,I will not thwart
my plans for Holiness
my plans for Hope
my plans to lay aside my alcohol
my dope.

I love you Lord,
I'm in the midst of a trial
I will do anything
I will run a mile
Anything to
Bring back my smile.

With your Grace
With your Love
With your Wisdom
Your like a Glove
embracing my hand
Leading the way
In the truth you mention
I will walk
Someday.

I ask of you Lord
Make that day.
Today.

New Post About Nothing

Post.
About Nothing.
About my mind.
About random thoughts that come from the subconscious.
From the part of my mind that isn't clouded by my disease.
Please teach me the ways of understanding
and the ways of the righteous.

I don't know if there is a God or not.
I do not know If i can continue on in life.
Someone is continuing to distract me from the real life.

If I had a gun I would shoot myself.

This is the Truth.

The Truth.

Does not Lie.

The Truth speaks Truth.

The Mind Speaks of the Mind.

That isn't corrupt.

Isn't boggled down from insecurity.

I go. My own pace.

Let go.

Let your imagination run free.

Away from these Lies.

Away from these fleas.

What the hell.

Do not be an infestation.

Of my life.

Do not take over.

Which I hold to so dear.

Is it worth going for?

What is worth going for anymore?

Life and lifting up my head.

Is a large chore.

The life.

The life is pulled apart.

Teared. Broken. Suffering.

Diminished. Ill. Forsaken.

Not forgiven.

All my dreams are gone.

I look forward to death.

To the next high.

Another pill please.

Fill my mind. Be my crutch.

Stabilize my inner person.

Be realistic.

You will never

Account to anyone

or anything.

Why am I so pessimistic?

Why cannot I turn myself around.

To be a better person?

I guess I was put on earth for a reason.

To be a failure.

Requiem for a Dream

Dreams

Some of us have dreams and some of these dreams are shattered by our addictions. Addictions to drugs. Addictions to Lust. Addictions to food. Addictions to addictions. Its a vicious circle of ups and downs. For me my addiction sent me spiraling towards oblivion.

My drug accepted me with love. I returned the favor by indulging and consuming as much drugs and as many chemicals I could. It didn't matter what type of drug it was. If it got me high. I was its friend. I was very protective of my friends. My" friends" were my only "friends" who knew me and understood me. I could always go back to them and they would always accept me.

It didn't matter that they were hurting me. Hurting my family. Hurting my realistic friends.
It didn't matter that people cared about me. I didn't care about you. I only cared about the one who did not care about me at all.

I thank the Lord and thank my family that I never had a chance to get my hands on the chemicals that could leave me foaming at the mouth and begging for a dollar downtown.
Whenever I watch this movie I am filled
with fixed emotions. At one point I am filled with jealousy. They are getting really high
I want to be where they are! I want to have the great times under the influence. When you see how such lives with such dreams are shattered by drug use those thoughts do a complete 180. You see where it can lead you. You are filled with disgust. Filled with pain. Filled with love for the ones whom are at their lowest. When I watch this movie I can see a little part of myself In these men and women. A part of me contains dreams and goals. A part of me feels the pain of losing everything that his/her heart desires.
I am currently going through some pains. Some urges. Dreadful thoughts flow through my mind but something glows in my heart. Please Pray. For me. For others for addictions. For yourself.

Understanding Barriers

Dear Self,

There seems to be a few things that have come up in my mind recently that have driving my thought processor into overdrive. I would like to share with you what I (franks mind) is currently questioning. I wish to hold on to faith but an evil lion entices me every second of my life. There is a constant battle to fight. A constant war. With the little faith that I hold dearest in my heart. It keeps the enemy at bay. Self read my word and read my insight. For it comes within the within. Deep in my heart deep in the sub component of my reality. Delight and indulge in the truth.

Sincerely,
Frank's Mind

I continue to hold on to the past and never let go.

My mind is wavering to and fro.

I honestly do not know.

Which way to go.
Do I pick the pure and clean of spirit?
Do I turn the eye then do not care?
I'm unbalanced on each side
A mental crusade and wild ride.
Of emotions.

Some days I'm low but others I'm high
I want stability, honesty I try.
I bow down my head and reach for the sky
I kneel down and begin to cry
I pray for direction
I pray for a cause
I pray for forgiveness
I pray for the laws
That govern my mind and have control
To make their decision

Stop the insanity and stop the imbalance!
Stop the anger.
Stop the Lust
Stop the grandiosity and remorse
You Must!
Take heed of what I say
Make the decision today!

I keep feeding you lies
I'm your monopoly
Your only source
for a decision
What I portray varies day to day
Is not true
For there is another
in my mind
Whom is not of our kind.
A separate judge
that relies on the lie
He basks in the ambiance
of when I cry.

Re-weigh my scale
reiterate my mind
Don't
Believe in the lie
Feed me truth
Feed me the cure
Tell me why
I'm even here.

I hold on to you
I hold on to the cross
I hold onto my faith
For it is little
But it is large
In your eyes

I will stay with you
through think and thin
through highs and lows
and in betweens

When he comes
I shall close my eyes
Thinking of you
Thinking of the day
When we will hug
and dance and play.
In heaven