The Ambient Morality

CCforChrist Day 1

2011-06-12T23:25:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day to be with the Lord Jesus. I had the opportunity to connect with the new group of men that came up from all over the United States. All of them are on fire as god is on fire. Thank You Lord for this Blessing. This is a new season for me. Lord plant me beside the waters of the holy spirit. I am eager to learn what you have in store for me and my friends. Amen. Today we learned about the prodigal son. We learned the difference between who the father is and who the son and whom the holy spirit is. Here it is.

God is the center of all. The Son is God. The Father is God. The Spirit is God. But alas, the Father is not the Spirit as the Spirit is not the Father, the Father is not the Son as the Son is not the Father. The Spirit is not the Son as the Son is not the Spirit.

Luke 15

The Parable of the Lost Sheep

¹ Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus. ² But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.”

³ Then Jesus told them this parable: ⁴ “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? ⁵ And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders ⁶ and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ ⁷ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

The Parable of the Lost Coin

⁸ “Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins^[a] and loses one. Doesn’t she light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? ⁹ And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.’ ¹⁰ In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

The Parable of the Lost Son

¹¹ Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. ¹²The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.

¹³ “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. ¹⁴ After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. ¹⁵ So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. ¹⁶ He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

¹⁷ “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! ¹⁸ I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. ¹⁹ I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ ²⁰ So he got up and went to his father.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. (This wasn't customary to Hebrews of the time. This showed how much the Father Loves us.)

²¹ “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

²² “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. ²³ Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. ²⁴ For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

²⁵ “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. ²⁶ So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ²⁷ ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

²⁸ “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. ²⁹ But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. ³⁰ But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

³¹ “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. ³² But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

What a passage! What an Amazing testimony of how much God loves us. This just shows that no matter how far away. How much time we have spent in Greed. How much time we have spent in another season besides Christ Jesus, our Father has that amazing compassionate Love as a mother has for her children. We sung. Oh How he Loves us. By David Crowder. It felt good to sing holy praise to our Father. Mike, a leader in Christ, showed us a photograph done by Rembrant (as pictured above). He asked us to carefully look and reflect on what makes this picture a reflection of Gods Amazing Love. What do you think? Check out the fathers hands, the fathers compassionate face, and the older brothers indifferent stance.
Such a great painting about how much our Lord loves us.
Me and Chris are really looking forward to being pure. To follow Christ. To be Apostles. To LOVE LOVE LOVE. To be agents of Love. Today was a great day. God Bless this ministry and God bless me and Chris and others that will be touched by this ministry. AMEN.

Life's little games. My growth in the Spiri.

2011-05-11T03:18:00.000-07:00

How is one hundred percent purity obtainable? I have played many video games in the past and all I had to do was quests and click a few buttons to obtain experience, skill points and honor. It seems as if it could be that easy. I think it can be obtainable to an extent(lets say 90 percent purity). Since last July the road to purity took some tremendous leaps and downfalls.

I have been struggling to keep the faith and fight the good fight. I've had to sleep outside a couple occasions because of my idiocy. Once the campus crusade guys left I started to stumble and fall because I didn't have a solid foundation of Christian brothers and sisters. The enemy seems to know where I am the weakest and continually attacks that portion of my mind, body and soul. I know that I can be super-victorious in Christ. I know that I can return my mind into a healthy, loving and care-giving demeanor. I know it will just take 100 percent trust in the Lord. And 100 percent trust in myself.

I found myself in the drunk-tank a couple months ago for some child-like antics. Inside it was another eye-opener of where alcohol can bring me. Of what it can do to me. Of how it can ruin my life. I was reminded a while ago that If I commit any type of jail able offence I could face up to 3 years in prison. That really doesn't sound like fun to me. So most recently one of my good friends brought me out of my routine of foolishness and brought me back to reality. That is to live as Christ lives. To love as our amazing God loves. And to act as a Godly man in all that I do or say.

We found ourselves over at the Providence Hospital late at night because the downtown Church (The Holy Family Cathedral) was closed. I remember going inside and praying for a while and I read all of 1st John. It was such a relief and afterwards my friend bought me a necklace of a cross. To continue to remind myself of what Christ did on the cross for me. What He did in the past. And that He is faithful to finish what He has started.

I felt awake and aware. Knowledgeable of my past and a little confused about my future. I visited folks and felt the spirit tugging at my heart.

Just one moment and then it all went downhill.

I need to find out these patterns in my life and become more aware when I am turning towards another episode. I'm sure it is possible. I do want to go to Heaven. I do want to do great works. I just need another miracle. Lord. Help me in my place. Shine your light into my mind, heart and soul to continue to follow your laws. I Love You. I need You. I want more of You. Never leave me or forsake me!

I don't know if my life will always be cycling between the good parts of me and the bad parts of me. I know that Now I do have a future as I completed a semester of college that led me to finally graduate with a college degree. From prisoner with no hope to a humble Christ follower with a college degree. I have seen change. God IS working in me and in others around me. Lord help me not to forget what you have already shown me and done for me. I have heard of miraculous healings. I have seen them myself. Miracles are REAL.

If you don't think you can conquer your trials. Place it on the foot of the cross. Let go and Let God.

Yes. I say this. Yes. I pray this. But will I not stumble? Will I not be pure? Will I always be pure in the sight of our Lord Jesus Christ? I sure hope so.

A Day of Evangelicalism to The Alaska Native Community

2010-07-18T00:03:00.000-07:00

I met up with some members from the Campus Crusade for Christ this morning and decided it was time to go share my faith. The very first time I was sharing my faith was with the Alaska Native population that was so repressed in effect from many destructive causes from non-natives back in the 1900s. I definitely had a little glimpse of the spiritual realm of the AK Natives but my eyes haven't been more open after reading Harold Napoleon's paper entitled " Yuuyaraq: The Way of the Human Being" In this work which was a letter from prison Harold presented the history of the implementation of disease,drugs, elixirs, alcohol to the Alaska Native peoples. How the Great Death and the brutality from the Christians/Priests influenced this repression of their own values to the destruction of major rural villages and small native communities. I was shocked at the revelation that was presented to me.. that we were on a mission trip... sharing Christianity with these Alaskan Natives that were so brutally handled by previous Christians. I am now somewhat.. could it be ashamed of my own new beliefs facing off with my Alaska Native heritage? I am in somewhat of a moral dichotomy.

I sat down with a Native man from Hooper Bay and we discussed some of the terrible experiences that are happening in the Rural villages of Alaska and how this Great Death of the 1900s and the suffering followed led to all this emotional repression which is destroying communities. These Alaska Natives are trying to fill the voids of their hearts and trying to numb this pain through the mediator of Alcohol and drugs. When all this repression is stored in our souls we are angered... we are at lost... and when the alcohol reaches the inner depths of our souls the enemy takes over and we self-destruct.

There is healing through. And Harold promotes the idea of a common unity of Alaska Natives. That they all have to come together. That many social services would have to be run by Alaska Natives. The healing begins when we come together and share our stories. When we share our struggles. There is a underlying hatred in myself that I have to speak with my higher power about. That this repression within my own soul can be conquered. Through the combination of moral beliefs in Christianity and the release of the old Mosaic ways of thinking (We can think of this as old native spiritual beliefs) the healing process can commence. I believe that over years and through next generation Alaskan Natives that this idea of "Christians are out to change our society" will be released and they will succumb to the everlasting power of Christ through their own efforts. Until then the White man will have to be patient and understanding with Alaskan Natives throughout this transition which may continue on for a few more generations.

A Night of Sin. A Night of Capture

2010-07-17T05:24:00.000-07:00

What a interesting night. I was busy sinning smoking cigarettes drinking booze and lustfully sinning than all of a sudden I saw 2 males outside stealing things from vehicles. I first spooted them whilst I was outside smoking a cigarette. They were behind my house looking trough vehicles on an attempt to steal items. They went house from house and finally found entrance into a camper/RV. I called the police. We talked over the phone for quite some time and we discussed what was happening as the events progressed. As I am typing this the offenders are in the vehicles right outside my door.

After the camper they went to my next door neighbors house and tried to gain access to the cars/trucks and then they went to my other neighbors house as well. I was outside when an officer saw me. I pointed him in the right direction. After this the officer wanted to speak with me.

I went outside and I talked with the officer. Within a second the two criminals came running around the corner right in front of the officer. I pointed them out and said that is them right there. Then they were handcuffed. A lady officer came to me and asked me my information. Asked me to show her around the neighboorhood to show her what cars were broken into as well. I did this and saw what each of them tried to steal and procure. I asked the officers what this meant to me because I recently was let off probation not a week ago...

What was this encounter all about? Was it to show me what will come of me when I continue to drink? If I continue to sin? There definetly was a messege behind this story. God will reveal it to me tonight and tomarrow.

The officers are still outside. I saw my nextdoor negihbor behind me come and talk to the officers. This was the same neighbor that I slashed tires towards. Is this an example of paying it forward? This is amazing. I was once the criminal now I am the one calling in to the police officers to deter criminals.

I wonder what is next? This is amazing.

Thank you Lord for this teaching. Thank you Lord for this understanding. This is amazing.

Praise to the Father, son and the Holy Ghost.

Thanks be to God

Amen

Free from the Bondage of Law and Probation: The Allure of Rules

2010-07-11T22:55:00.000-07:00

Today was reality. I am free from bondage I am free from the Law and free from Probation. The past two years I have been on probation because of a action against my neighbors. I was lost in sin and lost in the law that lead me to believe that I had to be a perfectionist. But to some of us we NEED rules to govern our lives... to feel as if we are working in Christ.

I was totally wrong. I was using human effort to achieve something that is unobtainable (100 Percent purity). But Christ Jesus has already done it for us. We need to be reminded when we received the Holy Spirit that...

"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ"
Philipians 1:6 KJV

That by His Holy Spirit and by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross of calvary all we have to do is enter in His rest.
That whatever work our Creator has made us for he is faithful to complete it.
That if we try to complete our own works by the flesh (that is by the law) and not of the Spirit we will utterly fail and be deemed foolish.
The Apostle Paul wrote to many doubters that thought they needed rules to guide them...

You foolish Galatians! Who has hypnotized you, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was vividly portrayed as crucified? I only want to learn this from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now going to be made complete by the flesh?Did you suffer so much for nothing- if in fact it was for nothing? So then, does God supply you with the Spirit and work miracles among you by the works of the law or be hearing with faith? - Galatians 3:1-5

This is to convict believers that have received the Spirit but are returning to the law as a means of self-improvement. That we received His Spirit through FAITH and not to finish with human efforts (the law) or else we are doomed to fail.

Conviction: "Isn't the presence of the resurrected Christ inside of you enough?"

Thanks be to God.

Another day. I don't think so.

2010-07-08T17:34:00.000-07:00

I really don't know how to start this blog. I really don't know how to state the feelings that I am going through right now. I guess you could say that I am rejoicing. I am happy that the Lord will favor me enough to continue to show me signs and wonders of His majestic glory. Praise be to God.

Woke up in another trance. Woke up with belief and in faith for another day abounding in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ. Woke up to some tunes. Rocked out and got my spirit all filled and ready to take on any obstacle that came my way.

I had to drink a couple cups of coffee and had a couple muffins while I was working with my students. Some of these students are very intelligent whilst others are still in the transitional phase of their academic career. I was happy to be in the presence of the Lord and to be able to be humble enough to bring his presence with me right into that classroom. That He would minister individually to these students. That He would proclaim His glory in a different way to each and every one of these young souls.

I am laying down some of my time and proclaim that I may some of my own works to work in their works. I am happy to proclaim this. Happy to show that wisdom can come in an instant and can be lost in a instant. It came through feverish prayer and it can be lost with the.. what is the opposite of prayer? I cannot fathom the opposite.

I am overflowing and bubbling in the Spirit that the wind would indeed blow today. That when I ask that I shall receive. I sometimes ask for wisdom I sometimes feel intelligent. I feel these things. And see these things but It doesn't make me better than anyone. It increases my humility. That someone like me can empower other students. That I can pray for them even when they seem to hate me. Some may still have the presumptuous attitude . But I ask for them and hopefully they are receiving whatever they may need. Thanks be to God. Onwards and upwards in feverish prayer.

I am now awake after a third cup of coffee. I am ready to minister. Ready to apply myself and to live in patience and in the ways of the Lord. Slow to speak, quick to listen. Build relationships. Build in the Church. Build in the Body.

I admonished where there needed admonishing I praised where there needed praise. I accepted my speech and proclaimed my speech. I ate with the enemy (our flesh) and uttered my rebuke to its desires. I stare into the distance and into the skies in awe struck wonder. My mind has been altered by so many teachers of the Law. Now I am a teacher with the Spirit. Sharing my works and my attitudes towards other minds and souls and bodies. Another teacher but not of the Law but of the Spirit.

Another day?Another trance? I don't think so.

I was in the Mall. Where the work of the Lord is being developed. I had an encounter with a soul for Christ. David. He waved his recognition. We shared a few words and we acknowledged our gathering this Friday. I moved on to another location where the Lord is working. I met Cheston. He waved me over and discussed the Word. Discussed sharing your faith. Discussed

Matthew 25:35

35 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:

36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

The Lord granted me meat. Granted me his living waters. Granted me hospitality. Granted me protection. Showed me his works in the Wind.... visited me in Prison and broke the unbalanced yoke. I am flowing in the right direction down the river of life. I continued on my journey.

The sun was shining at first and the wind wasn't in the air. My mouth was parched and my feet ready to be on the move. There was change in the air. There was a storm coming. Not a horrific storm of the soul but a storm of the Spirit. Is this another High that I am feeling? This is the new drug that I accepted in the past and was drunk in. In the spirit... not of wine but of His Blood. Amazing. I separated the body from the mind. I was thinking laterally. True duality in my deity/trinity. It was time to walk. Time to share my story. For another to listen than to share.

I found myself at the Listening Post. Sharing my testimony. Filled with Love. Filled with expressiveness of the Truth. That is Christ Jesus in all. A story was told and a bit of my faith was departed from my soul onto hers. She may take it as is but Its all God's work it isn't any of mine. I rejoice in this and in that I don't suffer when I utter my story. As Paul stated in Philippians that to live is Christ and to die is Gain. That I could die and still be happy I would be in a place that would be beyond imagination... but to be in the flesh in this present condition is much more proper for other lost souls walking this earth. What was uttered was uttered. What was spoken was spoken. What was heard was heard. I now have but a glimpse of what Paul meant in Philippians. I smiled said my salutations and peace offerings. I had to walk again.

This time I ran in the Spirit. I Knew that there was something ahead of me and something much better further ahead of me. That though my eyes peer in the distance that my heart would peer beyond that. Into the internal disposition not upon external facades.

I saw a old beat up red suburban. It was beautiful. It was there for a reason. To show me that others are working in Christ. It isn't a centralized conception of reality but a broad holistic/collectivist effort of the Church to share the Good News. My friends were located within. They asked what I was doing. I told them “Running Around”. They nodded in agreement and told me they were “Turning Around.” I had to be somewhere I departed from another miraculous encounter. There is a reason for these little encounters. I just haven't felt the revelation. I put my trust in the Lord that it would come. But NotYet. Not Yet.

I was sitting there perplexed and in a sort of “trance” I was in the zone. In the Spirit. I was generally happy. How can this continue? I kept second guessing myself. Kept having to fight the good fight and to accept reality. That is Christ Jesus. To accept his comfort and that comfort comes from one thing. Entering in His rest. I prayed that the Spirit would fill the room. That the storm would come within the little office filled with many depressed/angry people. That the wind would blow. Instantaneously the wind blew. I closed my eyes as the wind cooled off my sweaty brow. IT was the first time that I ran to this office with my head held high rather than in despair. The wind calmed me. Told me that he is still there in the midst of “criminals”

The meeting was brief. The release was absolute. One more step in the right direction. I really don't know how to end this blog and I really didn't know how to begin it. But what is in It was from Him and given to me to share. Thanks be to God.

Another day? Yes of walking. But not ordinary. The extraordinary. The extraordinary is born from the ordinary. I guess I will keep walking in his Grace. It seems to be working.

Brethren, the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Amen.
Galatians 6:18

Awake. Fast. Lust. Sin Sin Sin. Repentance. Ask. Dream. Testimony. Love

2010-07-07T00:21:00.000-07:00

I woke up and thought I had to go to work. Went to work and no one was there. I had class as well and did my presentation. I felt so lonely. I decided to fast.

The enemy came over me.

Lust was burning in my flesh. I sinned. I felt Ill. I belonged to Hell at that moment. I needed to lay down. I went outside and almost fell asleep on the University Lawn. I got up and took the next bus home..

I found some change. I had enough money to buy a cigar. I bought one. And I sinned against the temple. The enemy is trying to bring me back to death. I felt more Ill.

I came home and was disgusted of my sexual immorality. I was one step away. The lust took over. I sinned.

I needed to repent. I took a long hot shower. I had to talk to myself and to God. I had to crawl back into his presence. For I 1. Unlocked the door. 2. Opened the door. 3. Invited the Devil into my life.

I had to seek repentance. I had to ASK God for some healing. I asked him to speak to me in a Dream. He was loving and merciful. I closed my eyes for a nap. Next thing I knew I was in a dream. It really wasnt a dream... it was a lucid dream.

The 3 Dreams.

1. I was inside of a classroom. There were many people and the professor had a power point presentation on Deanna Yeetz. The floor was red. The room on 3 sides were all windows. I kept falling around and convulsing on the floor. I had no control over that. Everyone seemed to be mad at me for some reason. For interrupting them during class... I was drunk in class.. between convulsions on the floor in the classroom I found a seat in the corner. The last thing I remember was holding a 5th of green apple smarinoff vodka and I threw it into a corner... then I was transfered to another dream.

2. I was in a small room. The room was as small as a study room at our university. There was a older gentlemen behind the desk. He was an accountant. Behind him were many unnamed books on a small bookshelf. He looked professional and all I kind of remembering was that he had money. Money. Out of no where I was transfered into his body and I could control him. I walked around and out of nowhere time just stopped gravity stopped. It was so erie. Then I could move.

3. This third dream was morphed from the second. I could see three women in the distance. I was walking towards them and there came that familiar burning desire of lust. These three women were going up an escalator and I decided to feel up a women around her private area because I was so lustful. At that moment. There was a foot kicking me away. The women started to disappear.. then I awoke. Perplexed.

All three dreams were interconnected. The first dream represented my struggle with alcoholism and school. It ended with me throwing away my drug. The second dream was my worry about money and its promises for me. I need to stop. Just stop. (This is all I'm getting so far out of it) not to worry about money. For I can get caught up in it easily.... The third dream was about the three sins that happened before the dream. God was trying to teach me something in this encounter. Maybe he was just trying to show his presence.

A couple days ago God appeared in a dream to me as a Old man. Saying. " Stay and follow my ways"... and I heard a flash of thunder. It was amazing and I can't believe I overlooked these signs and wonders and continued to sin. Its amazing that though sin and traveling through these rough psychological times that God(holy trinity) is always there with His arms wide open waiting for you to give Him a hug.

After my dream I woke and had to make it to the Campus Crusade for Christ ministry. Ran into a few of them on the bus... then I had a presence to speak about my own personal story about my trials and tribulations and my faith in Jesus Christ. Thanks be to God. I spoke with David and Drew and Chris Tomas. My brothers in Christ. It was a experience beyond measure.

Thank You Lord Jesus.
Thank You Holy Spirit.
Thank you Father God.

I pray in the name of Jesus that any Lust or sexual perversion will be abolished by the blood of Christ. Thanks be to God.

I Love you Lord. Continue in your work. Finish what you have started. Continue to grant me peace, love and understanding. Grant me JOY. Grant me more revelations. Mold me into a warrior for Christ.

Amen.

Let the Window Blow let the Wind Blow

2010-07-06T01:44:00.000-07:00

The wind is blowing outside. I want the holy spirit to keep talking to me. Even though I fall down Jesus is there to pick me up. I am so thankful that I have a God that loves me as much as he does. Why do you love me so much? Why me? Why me? Why me?

I cast this Crown of Grudge to the ground and pick up my Crown of Thorns.
Here is my dirt and my drege. Amplify me and glorify my name amongst the Gentiles.
Let the Holy Spirit flow through me and let the river of life refresh my parched lips.
My heart aches for you Lord Jesus.

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

Take my empire of dirt. Take my sins. Cast this dirty crown to the depths of Hell. I walk to you and with you Jesus with a Glowing Crown of Light.
RUBUKE THIS LUST IN THE NAME OF JESUS.

I don't want to let you down. I don't want to make you hurt.
You are my sweetest friend.

Campus Crusade... a calling?

2010-06-22T23:23:00.000-07:00

Interesting. Love. God. Love. And more Love.

God is placing stones in my life. Helping these wonderful men of God share the Gospel. 3 Ministries. AK NATIVE, UAA, and Basketball.

I start work tomorrow... I will be tutoring 15 students. Some don't even have their books yet! I'm just going to keep praying in the Holy Spirit. I am going to keep singing. I am going to keep Loving on my brothers in Christ. Thanks be to God. The wind is strong I can feel it. I am drunk. But God I want more. Show me more of your Love. Show me more than the tip of the iceberg. Praise be to God. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit I pray life and abundance over my life and over all my surrendered brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus. May their hearts be filled with the peace of the Gospel. Let us hug the cross. No nails in the cross. Just the cross. Let us embrace the cross. Let us flow down the river. Let us hit other stones. But most of all lets reach the party. The still waters.

Wherever I go thats where the party's at.

I saw things. I tasted things. I rejoiced.

2010-06-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

Praise God. Praise Jesus. Praise the Holy Spirit.

Previously I only was able to see and the hear and to touch on the tip of the iceberg related to diving into the river. I am now a smother stone than I was about a couple days ago. I bumped into many rocks down the river of my life. Things seem so much more real. There were many signs and wonders during the Wind of the Holy Spirit conference down in Kenai/Soldotna Alaska (June 13 - June 20).

I had a revelation from the Holy Spirit. And that is to let the wind blow and to walk in Love. As God is Love I should walk in His Love. Thanks be to God. Hallelujah!

I saw a marking on my leg as I prayed. It spelled Love.
I smelled the holy essence of Jesus. His blood. His wine. His Love.
I saw mass surrender to our Holy Holy Holy trinity.
People yelled HEY. When they felt the wind. They were welcoming the Holy Spirit in open arms.
I was surrounded by the wonders of the waters. I was flowing down the river. I was becoming smoother. Thanks be to God. Hallelujah!
I finally tasted his wine. I almost fought it. But I surrendered. I laughed. I rejoiced! ITS A NEW LIFE FOR ME! I'm feeling good. Praise be to God. Hallelujah!

When this revelation came it was better than anything that I have experienced ever before In my life. I now have understanding. I now have guidance. The eagle has been let out of the chicken coop. Hallelujah! *Insert Laughter* I am drunk off his tender mercy!! THANK YOU!
I am now not going down in despair. I am not tethered to my past. The Holy Spirit now speaks in my ear. Walk my son. And soon you will be glorified. Thanks be to God.

Its a new dawn, Its a new day, its a new life for me.
And I'm feeling Good.

Worldviews

2010-06-16T16:30:00.001-07:00

My Word-View: Christian

But what does Christian (or whatever religion you follow) mean to each of us INDIVIDUALLY? To me it means something much more different than it may be to you. Our entire lives are shaped on these foundational beliefs of morality. For example. When one goes to a eye doctor you get a prescription for contacts/glasses...every prescription can be different and for some of us unlucky enough to have myopia (nearsightedness) or hyperopia (farsightedness) we have to wear these lenses to be able to see the world in a new light... to see clearly. There is definitely a medium (in this case the contact lens or the glasses lens) and they are generally made from the same materials. How is this related to religion?

The medium is what C.S. Lewis (in his popular novel Mere Christianity) dubs The Law of Human Nature. Which basically states that we all have a gravitational pull to do what is morally right.. no matter our world view. He goes on to say that it is human nature to do good. Our "prescription" or world-view that we have is unique to each and every one of us. Everything we were taught (even maybe the principles of Erik Erikson) or learned through observation, reflection and practice has shaped our medium. The metaphorical "doctor" is all our teachers throughout our lifespan.

Some may have the Jesus prescription( Px). Some may have the Allah Px, Buddah Px, Pagan Px, Atheist Px. Some may even dub themselves non-denominational. Every other belief system thinks another belief/denomination is delusional. In a sense we are all blind but our "doctors" shape our minds and plant little seeds of thought in our line of reasoning which grow and root in the deep conscious/subconscious of our minds. When we place our human reasoning into the picture don't our glasses fog up and distort the medium and change our prescription? I can go even further and say EVERYONE has different religions. Its just the medium that we try to fall on to be "separate" from other's religious prescriptions.

Is it even possible to set your belief's aside? Is true separation from Church/State even possible? I personally think that personal beliefs and your work in SW arn't mutually exclusive.

Our values are set in our beliefs. When we value patients and their beliefs aren't we in a sense using our own beliefs in the work that we do?

I think its somewhat possible to have a neutral attitude and to be culturally relevant/compassionate. To convey these neutral attitudes in regards to religion/spirituality one would definitely have to be a formalist and follow many rules/laws that would TRY to separate your personal world-view with the other's view....but remember we all have to be in the "medium."

I believe that our foundational concept of morality is best related to a quote by a British poet John Betjeman.
"Childhood is measured out by sounds and smells and sights, before the dark hour of reason grows"

When reason "steps in" so does our metaphorical doctors. We either choose to wear the prescription medium or not. I wear my own glasses wherever I go and I won't take them off because that is how I see where I am going.

In my practice i'm not going to take them off because it would be unprofessional to do so. It would be impossible for me to read and to interpret my clients.

Memento Mori

2010-06-05T19:09:00.000-07:00

Memento Mori

We have to remember that we are going to die.

I was just surfing the internet when all of a sudden many realizations came into my line of thought. I was first told that one of my friends that I used to play a video game with (I knew him very little) but some of my other friends that I played this video game with knew him very deeply died.

What was his name?

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Andrew Harley Jones, 23, died May 28, 2010

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This was a man of deep thought. He reflected on his morality. He reflected on life and its little nuances that we come into play with. I know that If I keep making these little connections in my life with others I will fall into some sort of insanity. As AJ said he was going to go insane. Here is a entry from AJ's blog:

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Estranged

Lately I've noticed that everday things become more and more trivial to me. Things that I do on a day to day basis become foreign, and I become overwhelmed with dissociation. It's like when you repeat a word outloud over and over, it starts to lose meaning and just becomes a strange noise.

To me, this is frightening because everyday I enter this state of mind more often and I think eventually nothing will make sense to me. I imagine this is how crazy people think before they go completely insane.

About the time of his death (I was totally unaware of his death until today) I was searching the internet about the serial killer Berkowitz.

It was interesting to me that during the time of his death I was looking up this name of Elliot Smith (One of his songs is Son of Sam and many know that Son of Sam was another alias Berkowitz used in some of his letters) that this name came into my life. Berkowitz was the alias that Mr. Andrew Harley Jones used when we played Counter-Strike together (Our clan name was [MM] or Muktuk Mafia.) The thing about [MM] was that we were all Native or associated with Alaskan Natives. And all our alias' were attributed to many well known "sociological terrorists"... i.e. Berkowitz , Kaczynski (This was my alias) and a few others.

What really made me get the urge to write about this was that on AJ's facebook page.. three days before he died he wrote one simple word.

Andrew Jones Jesus

3:44 AM May 25

http://www.myspace.com/andrewhjones

Did he finally find his true savior? This could relate to our own personal "delusions" be it The God Delusion or be it the Atheist/Agnostic Delusion. AJ knew about some sort of "
delusion" that was going on. Apparently we are in a "delusion tug of war" He posted...

Saturday, March 07, 2009

revelations and realizations

Lately I've been noticing that everyone lives in their own little reality. Everyones reality has its own rules and delusions. They perceive everything differently and I've noticed in a village, the delusions are far more extreme. I don't know what causes this. It seems like the littlest things can be blown way out of proportion. I personally think it's how televisions kind of forms our lives. People use what they see on TV as a template for their lives and expect things to be that way. For most people reading this, thats complete bullshit, but I've seen enough of it to vouch that it's pretty accurate for most people.

I ground myself with interviews with Frank Zappa. In one of his last interviews in 1993 he said, "It's not important to be remembered. It's not important to even be remembered. I mean the people that worry about being remembered are guys like Reagan, Bush. These people want to be remembered and they'll spend a lot of money and do a lot of work to make sure that remeberance is just terrific."

He just strikes me as so human. He's just so good at remembering to be a human being rather than something that we aren't. I've always felt that we, as human beings, always try to get away from the fact that we are human beings. We push ourselves to forget what we are and we surround ourselves with possessions and create our own delusions.

I was never a terribly big fan of Frank Zappa's music, but I was and will always be a big fan of him as a human being.

I understand that correlation doesn't necessarily mean causation. But ever since I have been saved. I have been seeing things. I have been feeling feelings. I have been in touch with a "super-reality" but in a sense others see me a delusional. Are we all dissociated with our own personal realities?

Lights change for me. Buses arrive when I tap into "The Holy Spirit." I have seen spirits. I have felt the "enemy". I have felt the gentleness of our savior giving me a slight pat on the stomach. I have seen the spirit twirl before my eyes. I have smelled the heavenly essence. I have found my own "disassociation" beyond the drugs that I used to use to tap into a delusion. Others say I'm Schizophrenic. I say I am a Believer.

I'm sure you have found Jesus. I'm sure that there was a underlying reason for all your intellectual sufferings. And that was for your moral compass to be pointed in the right direction. That was Jesus. I pray that you are traveling through your mind's past and reflecting as deeply as you once did and will continually walk those mountains showing others the way to their truth.

"Andrew Harley Jones, 23, died May 28, 2010 as a result of a hiking accident along Turnagain Arm."

He loved to hike. He reflected on his daily walk as well.. this story seems less vibrant though...

Friday, February 05, 2010

Cosmos Hills and the Kogoluktuk

As I walked down the dark road, I knew it traveled into oblivion. But I continued walking. The black trees stood tall along both sides of the road as if passing judgment on whoever traveled. The artificial glow from town started to fade and the stars begin to reveal themselves from hiding. Once I was far enough away from town I stopped walking and listened; absolute silence.

I cocked my head back and watched the sky. The previous night, I had seen a light falling slowly toward the horizon, flashing at seemingly random intervals. It had looked like a piece of glitter floating through the air only reflecting light when it was willed. The glitter would not present itself to me this night, so I shifted my focus to the Northern Lights exposing a slight silhouette of the Cosmos Hills. To the East these lights had puddled up in the distance. I had pretended that they had gathered to witness the view from a particular bluff above the Kogoluktuk River where we had gathered a year ago to do the same.

Pleased with this thought I began walking back from which was now a nightly pilgrimage to nowhere.

You now walk in the path of lights. No darkness surrounding. No judgement. Just purity. I know that I cannot make assumptions from your writing. But all these connections within my mind are for a reason. To strengthen my Faith. Even though it may seem minuscule to some. These associations are major in my life. Now that I have found my truth. As AJ possibly did the three days before he passed away from this world the reality of death surrounds my heart.

Memento Mori

Memento mori is a Latin phrase translated as "Remember you must die". It names a genre of artistic creations that vary widely from one another, but which all share the same purpose: to remind people of their own mortality.

RIP.

Obituary : http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/adn/obituary.aspx?n=andrew-jones&pid=143267248#ixzz0q2EpVE6P

The Departure and The Arrival

2010-05-15T02:31:00.000-07:00

The Departure and the Arrival

It was time. It was time for me now to take my first steps back to society and sobriety. I was terrified. I was shaking because there were so many things flowing through my mind at one time. All the colors around me seemed vibrant and the glory of our Lord was shining through me. My oil was overflowing the lamp. It was terribly hard for me to say goodbye to the people that I have gotten so close to in those short ten days. Every single one at Schick has at least taught me one important thing. Even the people that I don't even talk to taught me something. They taught me to be courageous. I see them starting a new life and it brings a smile to my face. They made the conscious, but some made the unconscious decision to start over new.

Some of the people that come into Schick Shadel Hospital are lost, and everyone around you helps you find your way. I believe that I got the most out of the patients then I got even out of the program. The reason why we all come together into one life form is because we all share a common disease. We are addicts. Someway along the long series of Natural Selection our terrible recessive gene stayed strong. We have to come to realize that that disease has taken over our bodies and minds and we lost control of our most internal desires. To be whole again.

We have internalized what we have learned here in a physiological and spiritual way. In our brain we have separated the autonomic connection between event and reward. We have blocked that action potential to induce craving and most of all we made the connections to other parts of our brain that were once shut off by our disease. Spiritually we have finally reached back out to our Higher Power. When we make the connection with our Spirit we strengthen the connection in our bodies. You will gain wisdom and greater understanding about your disease if you have that Fear of the Lord. I used to say, I am here and I am a Alcoholic... but not I can finally say I am here and I am finally Happy.

My story was definetly a spiritual struggle and the patients and staff noticed an immediate difference in my self-esteem and demeanor after I let all my defenses down. I opened my arms and people fell into them. I finally let them fall into my arms without a perverted mind. I started to Love.

When I finally reached Anchorage I had to write some more. I had to get out of the house that has tormented me for so long!

When I first ran into my father at the airport I was all tears, but he was all defencive. He still has the mentality that I will relapse. That HURT alot. Everything out of his mouth was negative. My mouth was going a million miles a minutes, but I don't think he was completely listening. Since I became this new person I hate to say that I barley know my parents. That HURTS. To go from a place where everyone was full of love to a place where everyone looks at you like a piece of trash is tearing me up inside. Send me some words of encouragement please! I would love to hear from you guys and girls because you are my family.

After a long awkward talk with the parents I had to leave the house. There was too much battling going on in my mind and I had to go for a run. I ran and ran with tears in my eyes. I was running through the neighborhood that I was so destructive towards. People didn't even say hi to me. I was so used to it at Schick. People closed up to me. Even my sister. I ran and ran and prayed.

I realized that allot of flies were following me and buzzing around my head I kept trying to tell them to bug off, but they didn't listen. After a while of thought I decided to let my feet take me where they wanted to go. I ended up in the woods that I used to hide in and drink and smoke.

Triggers were everywhere. The whole city of Anchorage seems like a trigger to me. Its still a battle for me sitting here typing this. I look at everything I have and I can relate it to my fictional persona. Because my whole life was fake. I don't know my parents. I don't know my sister. This is too hard. But I know I have some great people listening to me out there. And that makes me smile.

The woods were beautiful, the sun was shining through and the flowers were in full bloom. I was in a land that didn't care about the outside world. They were going on their own pace, while the world was zipping by. I was one of the flowers and the forest. The symmetry and the smell of the lavender flowers caught me by surprise. Those smelt great. I started t9o look for other flowers that have gone on in life for some time I wouldn't cut it short. I looked through the forest and intensely gazed through the foliage. A beautiful flower was eying me. Drawing me in with her enticement. I had to pick her even if I had to bushwhack. The flower smelled great. I'll keep it, I know I will need it later for some reason.

I continued down the beaten bath whilst mosquitos followed my every step. The parasites of the forest looking for their share of food for their souls. I had to keep running but they kept catching up for some reason. I Lord of the Flies decided it wasn't their time to be extinguished. I just patted them away and my body began to be an insect graveyard. I said sorry to every one that I killed, I guess I felt obligated to do so.

As I was jogging and taking in all the sights and smells, behold a tree. The rees growing out a single root system. It just jumped out at me. I was shocked and in awe about natures secrets. Why did it decide to do this? All I know is that I decided to stay upon it, fo I felt I was obligated to do so. I looked around and the view was magnificent. I wished that I brought my camera. The bugs didn't bug me anymore. I was amazed at the natural beauty that surrounded my little city. I never saw this city before, everything looked new. I was shaking. The bugs were getting worse, the Lord of the Flies were hungry for some Blood.

I jumped off that particular system of life and continued upon my unplanned journey. There was a fork in the road. Before I used to take the right fork to a fallen tree to drink my whiskey. I thougt about going down the road not taken, but I decided towards the other. As I continued down the path I looked where I once sat. I could not believe my eyes. A cap from one of my Whiskey bottles was still sitting there untouched! Somehow I felt as if it was tempting me. I picked it up and found out why I kept the flower. I replaced the whiskey cap with the flower that I worked so hard to obtain. That felt good. I had to keep going for I had to get rid of this cap. It felt heavy in my hands and just the sight of it made my palms sweaty. The flies were getting worse.

I started to run to leave them behind and they subsided for a moment. I was deep within the woods, at the heart of my journey. I was looking for a place to finally put my Whiskey cap to rest and lone behold a shallow grave was there for me to throw it in. I threw it in with no hesitation. Then saw a rock and threw that on top on the cap for good measure. I was Angry.

I decided to run away and not look back to where he now rests. He lies with the flies.

I hope he decays and lives a miserable life underneath his rock. The flies were angry and started to bite. My legs were targets my head and my arms. They began to swell from all the injections. I noticed a small evergreen tree so overcrowded and no light was getting to him. I dug him out gently even through the flies were eating me for dinner. I thought about bringing him home to represent my growth in life.So I could see it everyday. I said no. I do not want to bring something so pure, to the middle of a place so impure.

I was walking back through the path and others that were hiking that day say me and gave me a wide girth as they passed by. They didn't know why I was holding a small evergreen they didn't even acknowledge my existence.

I told the tree he was going to be alright. You are in good hands I told him.
I saw where I was standing before on the tree tree root system. I stood back upon the tree and searched the meadow where "Frank" will be able to dig his roots deep within the soil and grow to magnificence. There was a clearing in the meadow as if it was there for me. I got down and cleansed the dead that took once frank's now promising spot for growth. After he was planted I noticed the flies. They were getting worse. I prayed.

The clouds over me were dark and at that moment as if someone heard my thoughts I heard the titter-tatter of rain on leaves. After a few moments the rain was coming down hard. The flies were sent back to their homes. They lived in the flowers. Something so evil that hides in something so pure. That made me grimace. My hands were black with soil and I decided my work there was done.

I continued out back to the concrete jungle with shuffling of my feet. I didn't want to go back to a home where I didn't feel welcomed. I was walking because I needed to relearn how to walk. I saw that everyone around me was caught up in this present world. I felt sorry. I started feeling sorry for myself as well because all I had were the clothes on my back and a fictional house to go back to. I shook my head and told myself to knock it off.

Someone yelled "asshole" outside their window as they were driving past but they didn't notice the tears that fell for him. I continued down a path that I have always waked in darkness and every step was refreshing. I heard a creek meandering through the brush over the loud engines of human innovation. I jumped in and it was good.

I started to walk down this little creek and I was slipping on the slimy rocks that have gained so much algae the creek looked green. My toes and feet started to numb so I decided to continue to walk down the whole creek until I slipped and stumbled on the embankment. One look back at nature and I was off down the little creek road that I have peverted. People do not look at me They know me for whom I was. I felt saddened. Some of the children that would normally smile, ran back to their parents. I sighed and though of Schick and how everyone greeted you with a smile.

Back home. I take my shoes off because they were leaving water prints wherever I walked. I opened the door and I made a b-line for the shower. I let the oscillating shower head numb my face and the tears blended with the water.

Tethered to a crumbling rock

2010-05-03T12:27:00.000-07:00

Tethered - Just another beautiful day under the almighty gaze of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I was once tethered and shackled to a rock that was unstable and brittle. I was connected to a earthly world-view that didn't provide me any wisdom or happiness.

As I received the grace of our Lord the weight of what was keeping me tethered to the ground has been lifted.

I now fly. Nothing will stop me. I am with the eagles.

Isaiah 40:31 - "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

Every end has a new begining

2010-05-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

There was a time in my life when everything felt terrible.
I was sad.
I was mad.
I was angry.
I was someone you really didnt want to be around.

This time is over.

I recently got Baptized in the name of the Holy trinity.

I feel amazing.
I am reborn.

Praise God!

Although it might seem quite odd that my line of reasoning has changed from pessemistic to optimistic (as you can note from my previous entry),

I tell you the truth!

I have seen the Father. I have seen his presence. And all is well.

It was a long road filled with tears, trials and tribulations. It was a road filled with carnal ideologies. The road was filled with dirty thoughts.

My worldview was not even remotly christian.

I am now happy that I still suffer for Christ.
I am happy that I can say that I am completly Humble and that I fear the Lord.

Thank you Lord for opening my eyes, heart, nose and mouth to speak and feel your presence within my life. It truthfully is a wonderful gift from above.

Your grace makes me smile. Your cross makes me cry. You fill my heart up with joy, singing and praise. I can't even describe with my own carnal flesh the neverending magnificance of your eternal kingdom.

This is my Prayer to you Lord.

-+-+-+-+

Father I stand in awe this morning at the never ending magnificance of your eternal Kingdom. I cannot help but smile as the revelations of your spiritual realm are becomming more and more real. Your Holy word just jumps out at me whenever I read it. The truths spoken there are far deeper than I ever knew and i thank you because it is your Holy spirit who helps me to understand these truths at a deeper level.

The implication for all our lives is far greater than anything I understood before. I confess in times past I would read and study but to experience these truthsd is beyond anything I ever really knew to be possible. How immense is your Kingdom and how wonderful it is to get a glimpse of the eternal truths from inside the pages of your Bible.

Today father I can hardly wait to get inside your word. I am in awe at the newly revealed reality of your truths. it is a humbling experience to realize how tightly I used to hold on the the familiar and confortable understandings I had in the past. It is also a little frightening to me (in a good way) to recognize yow much I would have missed if i had not kept digging. I thank you Lord that you refuse to allow me to rest in comfort anymore. You have been in the business of challenging me for quite a while now.

Over and over I hear you remind me that I will be as close to you and your truths as I choose to be.

I am also more aware of my own human limitations and I can honestly say how relieved I am to live ech new day in a surrendered state of mind. As odd as it sounds when I say it I am relieved to know that everytime I surrender to you and follow your ways I am somehow seeing a new dimenstion of your truths.

I really don't have the proper words to explain it but this new expectation is worth whatever I had that was laid down.

As humans we understand so little of your spiritual realm and yet I know we are still supposed to be living in that spiritual realm right now - right here on this earth. Understanding your spiritual truths with a mind like Christ is the Goal of my life. It is a one day at a time process but ever since I crossed over the Jordan the eyes of enlightenment you have given to me and to all of your surrendered ones has keeped me focused and on point.

I pray today for my surrendered brothers and sisters who are everywhere - alol around the world. They are a very special gift to me as I recognize your call on their lives and can join with them as together we keep on keeping on.

I ask you to protect them with divine protection from above releasing the Spirtual Armor of God and sheltering them everyday - sealing them from permanent injury. I ask you to revel yourself and manifest your presence to them as they obediently labor in your Harvest Fields (wherever you have planted them.)

Father the need I have deep within is a spirtual gift you have given me to sustain and encourage me - and I am grateful that I finally get this. It has become a profound truth recognizing that ahead of me lays more and mroe revelations of your scriptual truths -- as well as a deeper understanding of the application of these truths for my daily walk.

Thank you that you seen to it that I would be hungry - mor esimple hunger -that I would be desperate for your truths, seeking you out as if my very life depended on it - as it really does.

Protect me, my family and church and all whom I journey on this exciting path of life - which I know in the end will lead me into your presence and the fullness of your truths.

To you be all the honor and glory.

Amen

Life

2009-08-10T16:28:00.001-07:00

I hate my life.

Random Thoughts

2009-04-09T00:45:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here befuddled about the future.
About what is the truth, and what path will lead me down the right road.
I can continue to complain.

Will that get me anywhere? It hasn't in the past.
We all have the power to change things. We can be our own miracles.
How do I and How can I perform the miracle of which I ask when everything was taken away?
Everything, more like the things of this world that the natural mind desires.
I wish to be my own miracle. I just need the strength.

I am confused. Still. Distraught from past experiences.
My mind is currently flooded with natural lusts and desires.
I do not wish to fall back into what I have already done to myself in the past.

Some tell me everything happens for a reason. I wish to put my old self away.
Bury the old, with the old ways of thinking and cleanse myself. Be a new creation.

I was told recently, in the midst of my distress to read Philippians 4 and to take away something from it.

Philippians 4

¹Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends!

Exhortations

²I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. ³Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow,^{a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.

⁴Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Thanks for Their Gifts

¹⁰I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. ¹¹I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

¹⁴Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. ¹⁵Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only; ¹⁶for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid again and again when I was in need. ¹⁷Not that I am looking for a gift, but I am looking for what may be credited to your account. ¹⁸I have received full payment and even more; I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. ¹⁹And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

²⁰To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Final Greetings

²¹Greet all the saints in Christ Jesus. The brothers who are with me send greetings. ²²All the saints send you greetings, especially those who belong to Caesar's household.

²³The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Amen.^{b]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[b]}

Forgive me. Renew me. Love me.

Obstacles and Trials

2009-03-16T00:59:00.000-07:00

Obstacles -

Why do I continue to not do which is right?

Why do I sin on my pillow, this wretched of nights?

You have given me hope though!

Through the holy spirit you haveth given me light.

To guide me through the shadows of the valley of death.

I wish for you. I want you.

Holy Spirit.

Do not hide your face. Listen to me. This is all I want.

Communion is what I desire. Your presence, fellowship, participation, friendship, sharing weakness and comradeship.

As I take another breath and peer into the future I understand that it is by your grace that another breath shall follow.
As I take another step I let you take control of my path.
Guide me Jehovah. The Holy Trinity. Hold me up, lift me up.
Turn a sinner from his ways. Make the future filled with better days.

I saw things and rejoiced.
I am saved.
I chose to abstain from the spiritual mind and
chose to accept of which my carnal flesh whispers in my ear.

I have come to a revelation.
I have the fear.

For I know even the righteous of heart can be enticed.
We can be thrown from the green pastures.
And return to where we once were.

It takes endurance. Strength through all trials and tribulations.
It takes Faith. A leap. A blind step.

I want that grin. That smile on my face that says. I trust in you.
When I lay down and awaken, pave my way.
Help me soar above mountainous obstacles.

I promise.

From this day forward.

When I open my eyes and before I close them, I will be in communion with the Trinity.

I shall utter the words, "Good Morning Holy Spirit" when a new day abound.
I shall pray at night for as long as the spirit wills.
Pray until I am comforted.
Pray until I'm found.

Hold my hand O merciful Lord. For I humble myself.
I am not filled with broken promises. I am stronger then that.
Heres my cup Lord. Fill it up Lord. With your grace.
Heres my heart Lord. Embrace it.
Heres my flesh Lord. Work through it.
For I am yours. Now and through eternity!
Amen.

Limit

2009-03-09T01:56:00.000-07:00

A revolution, turn thy mind
A surrender, humble thy body
A suffrage, persevere in faith.

I accept my limits.
Do you accept yours?

2009-02-15T00:56:00.000-08:00

Formulate a revision
of my mind and soul
write upon and erase my soiled personal narrative

Vindicate me O Lord and rise me up High!
Standing on my tip toes, reaching to the sky
I begin to falter and stumble and try

to remember your promise that was lifted up and put in a way,
which puts a smile on my face every single day.
Now I'm revised and my vision is clear, I can honestly say

"I have nothing to fear."
but you Lord
I honesty fear and of whom
I rejoice,

your revision has

returned my voice.

This revision was hard to come by.
The process:
filled with tears
filled with passion, determination and trust!
Once had gold, now have dust.

"What shall you chose? Lust and desire? No!
Rebuke your lust or you shall return to the fire!"
Away from the natural, go towards the light!
Be lifted up with zeal and might.

Your word glows and the oil flows
The candle flickers, the wind blows.
You were lost, where to go?

Hold my hand, close your eyes.
Take the leap with me.

For I will be here.

Through storms and weather
that wish to cloud the light.

Which turn you against, your brother, your mother.
I start to fight.

I begin to drown. I am lost, as I continue down
the light fades as I take my last breath I scream out in protest

" Revise me! Return me to the surface! I wish to be new!
I will humble myself, to be more like you!"

My breath has returned and senses renewed.
I gag and repent as the spirit twirls before my eyes
The Heavenly essence is indescribable
The Hand of God transcendent.
I feel as If I am dreaming.

It has begun.

Through the narrow gate you have passed.
You have struggled through adversity.

You have love. You have my garden.
Rejoice!

For Your heart is unsoiled,

lay in the grass.
Of my green pastures.

Updated Visions of my Person

2009-01-05T21:01:00.000-08:00

Born Again -

I am new and not withered. I feel refreshed as the warm embraces my once shattered heart. I have a purpose and that purpose is Jesus Christ. Over what seems like years and through storms of the mind, I have again resurfaced and the air seems more pure and justified.I cannot begin to explain the emotions I have put myself through over the past couple months. From damnation, depression - to the point of a attempted suicide, to a born again christian (transformation seemed to happen within milliseconds). How I wish for that moment I shared with the Lord to be eternal.

The path

2008-10-04T17:53:00.000-07:00

The path - Frank Grubbs

Take the path
on the beaten road.
Take a turn
be a median
not the mode.
Figuratively speaking
look for an inner code.

A Rosetta stone
to decipher this meaningless inquiry.
Be upbeat and become something fiery.

Grow in luminescent productivity
Live in ecstasy not in eternal drudgery.

Upon the path less taken
you are overflowing with oil
away from the toil
away from the forsaken
You have changed.
A God in the making.

You live and walk in the truth
but find that which was the real is but a lie
Return to the begining and be honest and try.

Peer deeper
into your heart
into your mind
It is but the start

To take the beaten path towards self reflection
is the key to bypass self deception.
hold out your arms be my reception
Your emotions will flow with internal perception.

2008-09-01T03:21:00.001-07:00

Doors, Walls and Windows.

Before you were lost and had no escape. There was a brick wall that blocked your path towards the truth. Each and every day you can work hard to demolish this wall that contains your beliefs. Brick by brick ,idea by idea you change your opportunities.

When the wall is low enough to climb do not be afraid of what is on the other side. Change is difficult but if you have faith in the unseen ,making the trek becomes much more easier.

When you land upon the other side work in haste. Pick up the tools you have learned and rebuild the wall to seperate you from unrightousness.

Create a door with a lock so you can look back upon which you were. You now have the key and you are in control of where you belong. If you were smart enough you would have created some windows within the wall of truth. In doing so you will not have to deal with some of the unrigtouness that would diffuse into your free mind. By creating a window
you can peer into the past whist the alimighty liar peers through the keyhole waiting for your return.

Understand that your past self and your past ideologies belong on the other side of the door and that you will never fall into the hands of the devil.

Cognitive

2008-09-01T00:18:00.000-07:00

- Gears of the Mind -

The gears of my mind grind towards a definite but obscure goal. My dreams tell me to be a better man but my conscious mind tells me otherwise. My dreams lead me to believe that nothing is impossible whilst my rationale drags me towards oblivion.

My mind contains an algorithm. Although I cannot escape which has been programed, if I so choose I can alter the input and hopefully receive a somewhat desirable output.

Before I didn't understand that I could be in control. Others took control of the reins and left me lost in translation. I now dictate my feelings thoughts and actions. No drug, person or entity can replace me. I will no longer ride shotgun for I am in the drivers seat.

If I fall or take one hand off the steering wheel I have a friend to help me vear and avoid the potholes of life. If I become lethargic and start to fall into a slumber my family will awaken me and point me in the right direction. Before the signs pointing towards success were fuzzy and were written in a language I couldn't understand.

With proper treatment and a sociological cane I have regain stability and the gears of my mind now turn in the right direction.Now that I have questioned my rationale my dreams seem to be trying to bring me back to which what I was so accustomed to. I am presented with mountainous obstacles and minuscule ambitions. I have tested the waters of oblivion and now I understand that anything is possible. A moutain now is but a grain of sand.

Zen

2008-08-25T16:02:00.000-07:00

I feel different. Going a night without sleep and without any type of medication to help me sleep makes me somewhat emotional.I feel at peace with myself and others around me.Earlier I was about to cry because I was looking towards the mundaneand the things that I couldn't change.Tomorrow I have my first day of training for the library and I am readily excited to start. I will put 110 percent of my effort and knowledge into this job to show these undergraduates and other graduates and doctors or what have you that I am the next PHD or Dr. I know that I can do this. Well now I know that I can do this but what about thirty minutes from now? Will I still be the same? I do not know if this medication is helping me or hurting me.For others the simple things in life seem to make them laugh, for me it takes something extraordinary. If someone laughs at their mistake I laugh with them but at their utter ignorance.I wish that I could have my degree right now and wouldn't have to worry about all my financial issues. I guess time will heal.I keep trying to renew my faith in the lord but it currently is not working. Everyone tells me to wait on the lord but for me it is tearing me up inside.

Zen-

I live in tranquility

An eternal blessed mind

Sunshine and rays of hopefulness

flow through my limber muscles.

I wish to understand
to find

the underlying basis of my activities.

Why do I cry? Why do I smile? Why do I hate?

Is there something above me or below me?

At the moment I don't care

Not about me

not about nothing.

Peace fills my heart

I wish this will never end

I wish the depression will not start

I smile and stare at the minuscule sand

that has found its way between my toes

I laugh as I continue to realize how

We were created from that dust

A vast world awaits

for me to provide my inner creationism

beyond any one's imagination.

The signals reside

between my ears

I try to grasp onbut there is no one there.

Others say

You have nothing to fear!

I shake my head

I feel despair

The world seems dim

There is no might

I fall into the schedule

I live by the night.

The cycle continues

I walk into the light

To start another episode.

Pills

2008-08-23T14:55:00.000-07:00

Pills presently seem to negotiate between the consistent struggle between my maniac and depressive episodes. These pills help. Well I can say that they help, but they could be an placebo's placebo. They could be a fake of a fake. I just could be believing that these pills are working but down to the biochemical level all I am receiving is mere sugar.

Life over the past couple weeks have been fairly hectic psychologically for me. I will be starting school here in a couple of days so I am about to find out how these pills have affected my ability to concentrate and stay on task.I have also received a job at the UAA library which is such a blessing. I believe through the combination of pills, psychotherapy and faith my longing for stability will be fulfilled.

Pills

Red pill
Blue pill
Green pill
White pill

Go to the pharmacy to gain a refill.

Pop the red one when your ill

Pop the blue pill when your well.

Save the green one when your off to bed

Pop the white pill to regain your head.

You alter the conductor of my mind.

Sometimes I wish you were not there

I wish for those highs but I still cringe in fear

of depression.

Pills

at times you are my savior

at others you are a mere inconvenience

Although I do not readily understand your methods

I trust in your colours.

Tired: I'm not a Bum!

2008-08-08T13:47:00.000-07:00

I am completely exhausted. I am tired.
I am drained. From lifes little battles.

A Continuous cycle of night and day
isn't right by my standard.

My circadian rhythm seems to be a tad off tune.
I wake up to the rising of the moon and try to escape the brightness of the sun during the day.

I live a Night Life.

I feel an emotional high followed by a low. I need to stay up longer. So I chug some more coffee.

This insomnia is killing me! I urge for a cure. I try melatonin supplements but nothing is working. Maybe if I just stay up the whole day. Fall into the right rhythm then everything will turn out okay.

Instead of being a recluse and hiding in the shade, to participate in our society's function undeniably by day. I could thwart my Night Life and begin to be.

A contributing member.

Struggle

2008-08-08T03:24:00.000-07:00

Struggle - Frank Grubbs

I Struggle
I Squirm
I hold onto myself.
I cannot affirm
The pain ,the laughter
Why does anything matter?

I shower. I pray.
For forgiveness
Today..

I cannot see you
But I need you.
I'm on the other side
Drenched in my sorrow
no hope for tomorrow.

Break the glass
which clouds and rains
upon my broken spirit.

The shower stings and burns
What have I done
To earn this?

I am consistently soaking up sin
not letting anything go
The drain is demoralizing
Where does it go?

Release me from suffering
From the constant bombardment
Of ridicule
From others

Make me clean and pure
I'm already clean on the surface
Hold my hand and lets clean the heart
Show me o Lord
Where to start.
To shine in the Lord
Is what I desire.
Please Lord, take me from this rain
This eternal fire.

The Virus within my mind

2008-08-08T02:52:00.000-07:00

A definite blow to my insecurity as a non-user.
I used.
I relapsed.
I'm an abuser.
I continue to look down on myself

As if I'm a loser.

I cannot keep assigning roles
Assigning signs
Assigning moles.

In the depths of my subconscious
Someone does hide.
Such as a virus or worm
deep in my mind.

Hes not of our Kind

A mole

Hes filthy and rotten
Ill-tempered
my old self seems forgotten.

I wish to hear
I wish to see
I wish to feel
I wish to touch
I wish to taste

Nothing of the almighty tempter
But of what is good and just.

I continue to question
How I continue to Lust?
Why must why must!?
I continue to sin and lose my old way
I ask for his grace
I ask today.

For you to come and come swift
Before the mole takes over
And sends me adrift.

Away from reality , away from love.
This mole is continuously
trying to shove

me into sin

into transgression

I ask you lord
Renew my remission
Renew my faith
Remove my transgressions.

I wish to start over new
With you in my heart
I will not relapse ,I will not thwart
my plans for Holiness
my plans for Hope
my plans to lay aside my alcohol
my dope.

I love you Lord,
I'm in the midst of a trial
I will do anything
I will run a mile
Anything to
Bring back my smile.

With your Grace
With your Love
With your Wisdom
Your like a Glove
embracing my hand
Leading the way
In the truth you mention
I will walk
Someday.

I ask of you Lord
Make that day.
Today.

New Post About Nothing

2008-08-05T05:03:00.000-07:00

Post.
About Nothing.
About my mind.
About random thoughts that come from the subconscious.
From the part of my mind that isn't clouded by my disease.
Please teach me the ways of understanding
and the ways of the righteous.

I don't know if there is a God or not.
I do not know If i can continue on in life.
Someone is continuing to distract me from the real life.

If I had a gun I would shoot myself.

This is the Truth.

The Truth.

Does not Lie.

The Truth speaks Truth.

The Mind Speaks of the Mind.

That isn't corrupt.

Isn't boggled down from insecurity.

I go. My own pace.

Let go.

Let your imagination run free.

Away from these Lies.

Away from these fleas.

What the hell.

Do not be an infestation.

Of my life.

Do not take over.

Which I hold to so dear.

Is it worth going for?

What is worth going for anymore?

Life and lifting up my head.

Is a large chore.

The life.

The life is pulled apart.

Teared. Broken. Suffering.

Diminished. Ill. Forsaken.

Not forgiven.

All my dreams are gone.

I look forward to death.

To the next high.

Another pill please.

Fill my mind. Be my crutch.

Stabilize my inner person.

Be realistic.

You will never

Account to anyone

or anything.

Why am I so pessimistic?

Why cannot I turn myself around.

To be a better person?

I guess I was put on earth for a reason.

To be a failure.

Requiem for a Dream

2008-08-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

Dreams

Some of us have dreams and some of these dreams are shattered by our addictions. Addictions to drugs. Addictions to Lust. Addictions to food. Addictions to addictions. Its a vicious circle of ups and downs. For me my addiction sent me spiraling towards oblivion.

My drug accepted me with love. I returned the favor by indulging and consuming as much drugs and as many chemicals I could. It didn't matter what type of drug it was. If it got me high. I was its friend. I was very protective of my friends. My" friends" were my only "friends" who knew me and understood me. I could always go back to them and they would always accept me.

It didn't matter that they were hurting me. Hurting my family. Hurting my realistic friends.
It didn't matter that people cared about me. I didn't care about you. I only cared about the one who did not care about me at all.

I thank the Lord and thank my family that I never had a chance to get my hands on the chemicals that could leave me foaming at the mouth and begging for a dollar downtown.
Whenever I watch this movie I am filled
with fixed emotions. At one point I am filled with jealousy. They are getting really high
I want to be where they are! I want to have the great times under the influence. When you see how such lives with such dreams are shattered by drug use those thoughts do a complete 180. You see where it can lead you. You are filled with disgust. Filled with pain. Filled with love for the ones whom are at their lowest. When I watch this movie I can see a little part of myself In these men and women. A part of me contains dreams and goals. A part of me feels the pain of losing everything that his/her heart desires.
I am currently going through some pains. Some urges. Dreadful thoughts flow through my mind but something glows in my heart. Please Pray. For me. For others for addictions. For yourself.

Understanding Barriers

2008-08-01T04:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Self,

There seems to be a few things that have come up in my mind recently that have driving my thought processor into overdrive. I would like to share with you what I (franks mind) is currently questioning. I wish to hold on to faith but an evil lion entices me every second of my life. There is a constant battle to fight. A constant war. With the little faith that I hold dearest in my heart. It keeps the enemy at bay. Self read my word and read my insight. For it comes within the within. Deep in my heart deep in the sub component of my reality. Delight and indulge in the truth.

Sincerely,
Frank's Mind

I continue to hold on to the past and never let go.

My mind is wavering to and fro.

I honestly do not know.

Which way to go.
Do I pick the pure and clean of spirit?
Do I turn the eye then do not care?
I'm unbalanced on each side
A mental crusade and wild ride.
Of emotions.

Some days I'm low but others I'm high
I want stability, honesty I try.
I bow down my head and reach for the sky
I kneel down and begin to cry
I pray for direction
I pray for a cause
I pray for forgiveness
I pray for the laws
That govern my mind and have control
To make their decision

Stop the insanity and stop the imbalance!
Stop the anger.
Stop the Lust
Stop the grandiosity and remorse
You Must!
Take heed of what I say
Make the decision today!

I keep feeding you lies
I'm your monopoly
Your only source
for a decision
What I portray varies day to day
Is not true
For there is another
in my mind
Whom is not of our kind.
A separate judge
that relies on the lie
He basks in the ambiance
of when I cry.

Re-weigh my scale
reiterate my mind
Don't
Believe in the lie
Feed me truth
Feed me the cure
Tell me why
I'm even here.

I hold on to you
I hold on to the cross
I hold onto my faith
For it is little
But it is large
In your eyes

I will stay with you
through think and thin
through highs and lows
and in betweens

When he comes
I shall close my eyes
Thinking of you
Thinking of the day
When we will hug
and dance and play.
In heaven

A thought on Bi-polar

2008-07-28T02:34:00.001-07:00

I don't know.
I don't care.
I don't even know why I'm here.
Its not fair.
I'm not aware.
People even stop and stare.

I can't sleep
I can't feel.
When will I feel real?

I am locked up in a tale
I am locked up
My brains for sale.

I am happy. Then I am sad.
I am depressed, then I am glad.
I get angry then I'm able.
When will I
Become stable.

I'm better then you.
I can't account to anything.
I can complete you.
I can't even get out of bed.
I wish to know,
What is going on in my head.

Trapped in a struggle
Nobody knows the suffering that I go through.
Stability from the highs and lows
Take this pill
This is how it goes.
Emotions are nothing

I am happy.
Then I am sad.
I am depressed, then I am glad.
I get angry then I'm able.
When will IBecome stable.

The Purose Driven Life - 40 Days

2008-07-24T02:45:00.001-07:00

The Purpose Driven Life

Day 2 : You are Not an Accident

Notes: Day 1 and Day 2 are not combined as my blog would tell you. I decided to post my thoughts on Day 2! As I continue on in my forty day spiritual journey the book promises that by the end of that journey (with effort and understanding on your part) you will discover the answer to life's most important question: What on earth am I here for? Who wouldn't want the answer to that question? Hopefully it will arise.

"God doesn't play dice." - Albert Einstein

Our main focus for this day is to realize that long before you were conceived by your parents, you were conceived in the mind of God.

Point to Ponder: I am not an accident.

Verse to Remember:

" I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born."
- Isaiah 44:2 (CEV)

Each day ends on a question to consider.

I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?

Answer:

With God's intricate plan there is no questioning why, how or what areas of my life were at ruin. God is a virtuoso playing his magnificent tune, called Life!The artist of the universe is beyond our imagination.What he creates is at best, the best of the best.Any other viewpoints, you should put to rest.

The Purpose Driven Life - 40 Days

2008-07-24T02:25:00.000-07:00

The Purpose Driven Life

Day 1 : It all starts with God.

Notes: As I continue down the path of complete understanding I use such tools as the bible, my friends and brothers alike. The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren is but another tool you can use to strengthen your faith. It came into my heart to write my reactions. This is another brick in the foundation of my acceptance of the Lord.

"Unless you assume a God, the question of life's purpose is meaningless.
- Bertrand Russel, atheist

The main study of this day is to understand that you were made by God and for God -- and until you understand that, life will never make sense.

Point to Ponder: It's not about me.

I related this chapter to the correlation that there is a master designer and Architect of the Universe. I browsed around and during some of my studies I came across a verse.

"The heavens declare the glory of God;

the skies proclaim the work of his hands. "
- Pslam 19:1

Verse to Remember:

"Everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him." - Colossians 1:16b (Msg)

Poetry - Evangelized

2008-07-24T01:55:00.000-07:00

Evangelized - Frank Grubbs

Knowledge In truth.

In wisdom, In you.

I pray for forgiveness!

I pray for whats right!

I pray for understanding!

I pray for your light!

I am here, as are you

as I kneel on this pew.

I begin to see.

How few! How few!

Have come...To actually know you!

Life me up.

High in the sky

How my faith has faltered

I feel so dry!

Water me, watch me grow!

Send me out to those who don't know.

That you , are Holy, Loving and Just!

For those who rebuke me, will eternally rust.

I shall hold my hands up so high

to embrace the knowledge and truth.

Of Christianity.

Poetry - Chains

2008-07-24T01:46:00.000-07:00

Chains - Frank Grubbs

Release my chains.
Which burdens my flight!
Release my chains.
Return me to light.

I choose to hold, it dear to my heart.
Release the chains.
I wish to start.

Awaken from the slumber...
from the routine.
Awaken from
This dreary dream.

You hold the key,
to abstain from the fire
You will walk in light,
towards what you desire.

If you so choose
To release these chains
Your wings shall spread
You shall soar!

Away from the darkness away from the moor.
Away from the chains. Away from that fire.
Away from deceitfulness. Away from that crier.

He holds you down
Don't you see?
Release the chains
You will become, what was meant to be.

Poetry - Facade

2008-07-23T05:40:00.000-07:00

Facade - Frank Grubbs

A dirty vase with rust and mold.Tell me your story, let it unfold!

Your facade cannot hide of which it holds.Something pure and clean in Spirit.

Do not judge externally, but peer past the rust.Peer internally.

Your appearance is ugly, meek and bland.

Your presence is but a grain of sand.

Easily rebuked, easily forgotten.

You are looked down upon.

Filthy and rotten.

Few look beyond the imperfections.

Towards the real truth; the internal disposition.

As the vase continues on in life, he struggles.He battles for acceptance from the easily departed.

Gaining dust and grim his day. He smiles.As the strangers
make their way.

Towards the others.

So clean. So fake.

Our vase continues unwanted, untold.

Almost to the brim, he molds.

Unknown to most he contains a cure, love and joy to share.

The other vase's truthfully do not care.

On my exterior I may look inferior but which the others contain.

Is much scarier!

The strangers do not know what they contain.

This mold.

This filth and the rust, the old.

They are filled to the brim. Filled with coal!

The strangers are fooled, enticed by their beauty.

They do not look deeper

.To what really matters.

No one will buy me, but it is Okay.

For I know someone will come...

Someday.

To peer past the dirt and the grime.

Someone will buy me.

Just not this time.

I continue to mold and continue to rust.

As the others start to internally combust.

The others shine and act and play.

As I sit in my corner dreaming the day...

That one will come.

To clean my exterior

Later to find, what I contain is much.. much..more

Merrier.

Poetry : Decisions

2008-07-23T05:32:00.000-07:00

Decisions - Frank Grubbs

Obligation in varying situations.

Condemnation in a self-destructive belligerent nation.

A Whisper within the ear.

A Choice between what is good and what is evil.

Is what we bare.

Externally and internally

decidingWhat is fair?

When has this nation decided to care.

I am obligated

Towards a decision.

Based on what I can touch, taste, see , smell and Hear.

For which of my five senses has caused this fear?

I am obligated.

The decision is near.

Shall I strike with War?

I am obligated to alleviate this pain.

Obviously our society

has something to gain.

From the gain, others cry.

Are they Obligated to continue with the lie?

Poetry : Perfect

2008-07-23T05:19:00.000-07:00

Perfect - Frank Grubbs

Understanding Imperfection.

A first step...Towards self-reflection.

Look inwards towards the Lie.

Continue on ye surely Die.

Open up your eyes my Son.

For when you do, It will be done.

Pain will cease, our suffering resides. For In yourself.Ye cannot hide.

You are Human.

You make mistakes.

Conclusion rests.

As Do you!

When you decide to be True.

To yourself and towards others, to your aunts and to your mother.

To your father and to your brother. Do be true.

Not the other.

Imperfection.

We learn from thee.

As Adam Did, when he ate from that tree.

Peer into the mirror with no despair

For no one is perfect. No one is Pure.

Except the one whom put you here.

Poetry : Stability

2008-07-23T03:37:00.000-07:00

Stability - Frank Grubbs

Fleeting thoughts
Grandiosity and Remorse.
A continuous remix and fluctuation of the past and present.

Stability is what I desire.
A mood-stabilizer Rekindles the inner-fire.

I want to be myself.
Do not dictate my ways.
I want to be myself.
Through and Through these days.

Fleeting thoughts
Grandiosity and Remorse
Listen now
Do not attempt to plot my course.

Ups and downs are a normal day.
For this I continue to Pray.

I want to be myself
Do not dictate my ways.
I want to be myself.
Through and Through these days.

Pain and Suffering

2008-07-22T01:25:00.000-07:00

Hello ,
I have been really in the struggle between what has happened in the past and all the pain that it has caused me. I have always been on the path to finding eternal questions such as what is love? Why do I suffer? How do I find myself?As I was roaming around Costco with my parents I happened to come across a book. Alas, the cover of the book seemed as though it didn't contain as much information that I needed at the time but as I am continuing with its succulent chapters I came across a great correlation.

When you question yourself sometimes and come to the conclusion that you "feel totally lost" take a deep breath for that answer to your issues is right before your eyes.

In this passage God's name is "papa". God took an image of an African American female. The man's comments are in blue, as God's words are in red.

"I feel totally lost"

"Then let's see if we can find you in this mess."

Almost as if on cue, a blue jay landed on the kitchen windowsill and began strutting back and forth. Papa reached into a tin on the counter and, sliding the window open, offered Mr. Jay a mixture of grains that she must have kept just for that purpose. Without any hesitation, and with a seeming air of humility and thankfulness, the bird walked straight to her hand and began feeding.

" Consider out little friend here," she began. "Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for this is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around. You on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around. Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its ability to fly. Not something I want for you. And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

"I'm not like you."

"I am God. I am who I am. And unlike you, my wings can't be clipped."

"Well that's wonderful for you, but where exactly does that leave me?"

Papa began stroking the little bird, brought him up close to her face, and said, "Smack dab in the center of my love!" as the two cuddled nose to beak.

"I thinking that bird probably understands that better then I do."

"I know, honey. That's why we're here. Why do you think I said, I'm not like you?"

"Well I really have no idea. I mean, you're God and I'm not."

"Yes, but not exactly. At least not in the way you're thinking. My son, I am what some would say 'holy, and wholly other than you.' The problem is that many folks try to grasp some sense of who I am by taking the best version of themselves, projecting that to the nth degree, factoring in all the goodness they can perceive, which often isn't much, and then call that God. And while it may seem like a noble effort, the truth is that it falls pitifully short of who I really am. I'm not merely the best version of you that you can think of. I am far more than that, above and beyond all that you can ask or think."

"I'm sorry, but those are just words to me. They don't make much sense."

"Even though you can't finally grasp me, guess what? I still want to be known."

"You're talking about Jesus, right? Is this going to be a let's-try-to-understand-the-Trinity sort of thing?"

Papa chuckled. "Sort of, but as you might imagine, there are some advantages to being God. By nature I am completely unlimited, without bounds. I have always known fullness. I live in a state of perpetual satisfaction as my normal state of existence. Just one of the perks of Me being Me. We created you to share in that. But then Adam chose to go it on his own, as we knew he would, and everything got messed up. But instead of scrapping the whole Creation we rolled up our sleeves and entered into the middle of the mess -- that's what we have done in Jesus."

" When we three (the holy trinity) spoke ourself into human existence as the Son of God, we became fully human. We also chose to embrace all the limitations that this entailed. Even though we have always been present in this created universe, we now became flesh and blood. It would be like this bird, whose nature it is to fly, choosing only to walk and remain grounded. He doesn't stop being the bird, but it does alter his experience of life significantly?"

"Okay...?"

"Although by nature he is fully God, Jesus is fully him,an and lives as such. While never losing the innate ability to fly, he chooses moment0-by-moment to remain grounded. That is why his name is Immanuel, God with us, or God with you, to be more precise."

"But what about all the miracles? Doesn't that prove that Jesus was God--you know, more then human?"

"No it proves that Jesus is truly human."

"What?"

"My Son, I can fly, but humans can't. Jesus is fully human. Although he is also fully God, he has never drawn upon his nature as God to do anything. He has only lived out of his relationship with me, living in the very same manner that I desire to be in relationship with every human being. He is just the first to do it to the uttermost--the first to absolutely trust my life within him, the first to believe in my love and my goodness without regard for appearance or consequence."

"So, when he healed the blind?"

"He did so as a dependent, limited human being trusting in my life and power to be at work within him and through him. Jesus, as a human being, had no power within himself to heal anyone. Only as he rested in his relationship with me, and in our communion--our co-union -- could he express my heart and will into any given circumstance. So, when you look at Jesus and it appears that he's flying, he really is... flying. But what you are actually seeing is me; my life in him. That's how he lives and acts as a true human, how every human is designed to live -- out of my life."

" A bird's not defined by being grounded but by his ability to fly. Remember this, humans are not defined by their limitations, but by the intentions that I have for them; not by what they seem to be, but by everything it means to be created in my image."

Hmm, do you feel an onset of information overload? Our human friend in this passage did. He had to sit down and take some time to comprehend the teaching he recieved.

" So does this mean that you were limited when Jesus was on earth? I mean, did you limit yourself only to Jesus?"

" Not at all! Although I have only been limited in Jesus, I have never been limited in myself."

"There's that whole Trinity thing, which is where I kind of get lost."

Papa laughed a long rich belly laugh that made our friend want to join in. She set the little bird down on the table next to him , turned to open the oven, and gave the pie that was baking a quick little look. Satisfied that everything was find, Papa then pulled up a chair alongside them.

"To begin with, that you can't rasp the wonder of my nature is rather a good thing. Who wants to worship a God who can be fully comprehended, eh? Not much a mystery in that."

" But what difference does it make that there are three of you, and you are all one God. Did I say that right?

" Right enough." She grinned. "My Son, it makes all the difference in the world! We are not three gods, and we are not talking about one god with three attitudes, like a man who is a husband, father, and workers. I am one God and I am three persons, and each of the three is fully and entirely the one."

" If I were simply One God and only One Person, then you would find yourself in this Creation without something wonderful, without something essential even. And I would be utterly other than I am."

"And we would be without...? He didn't know how to finish the question.

"Love and relationship. All love and relationship is possible for you only because it already exist within Me, within God myself. Love is not the limitation; love is the flying. I am love."

As in response to her declaration the timer dinged and the little bird took off and flew out the window. Watching the Jay in flight took on a whole new level of delight. He turned back to Papa, and just stared at her in wonder. She was so beautiful and astonishing, and even though he was still feeling a little lost, he felt himself settling down somewhat into the safety of being close to her.

"You do understand," she continued, "that unless I had an object to love-- or, more accurately, a someone to love--if I did not have such a relationship within myself, then I would not be capable of love at all? You would have a god who could not love. Or maybe worse, you would have a god who, when he chose, could only love as a limitation of his nature. That kind of god could possibly act without love, and that would be a disaster. And that, is surely not me."

With that, Papa stood up, went to the oven door, pulled out the freshly baked pie, set it on the counter and, turning around as if to present herself, said, "The God who is--the I am who I am -- cannot act apart from love!"

The book continues on in greater detail. I am truthfully happy to have found this book as others were truthfully happy to have had the chance to read its contents.

The book is called:

The Shack : Where tragedy confronts eternity. By William P. Young.

If you gain something out of this passage, great! If not re-read it :).
-Frank Grubbs

"Let's pray that the human race never escapes Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere."--C.S. Lewis

The Natural or the Supernatural?

2008-07-21T02:49:00.000-07:00

Understanding and accepting the fact that we are indeed human and that we do make mistakes is the final conclusion we need to agree upon.Regarding this realization points me towards the idea that there is a law that dictates our decision between what is right and what is wrong.This law is called The Law of Nature.In C.S. Lewis' popular novel, Mere Christianity, Lewis argues that the Natural Law dictates human morality on all levels; in every civilization. Lewis puts in in a way where I can readily understand.

"We may put this in another way. Each man is at every moment subjected to several different sets of law but there is only one of these which he is free to disobey. As a body, he is subjected to gravitation and cannot disobey it; if you leave him unsupported in mid-air, he has no more choice about falling then a stone has. As an organism, he is subjected to various biological laws which he cannot disobey any more than an animal can. This is, he cannot disobey those laws which he shares with other things; but the law which is peculiar to his human nature, the law he does not share with animals or vegetables or inorganic things, is the one he can disobey if he chooses"

Lewis goes on to argue that we, as humans, none of us are really keeping the Law. From this, We fail to practice ourselves the kind of behavior we expect from other people.

When I decided to do my drinking and my other forms of self-medication It broke me from coherency and the tendency of that Law. It broke me from free-will. When I look back on the basis of my decision I had no ability to realize the morality of my actions. Others expected me to behave in a certain way, but me being human (and other internal and external events) behaved quite the opposite. Someone or something drove me to do "evil" acts upon my friends and neighbors.

Is there really some supernatural entity that enables this Law? I believe so. Are there ways that man based on free will can readily break this law? I believe so.I consciously chose to indulge in mind altering substances. Then I subconsiouly chose to hurt those around me that I love so dearly.

I can continue on towards so many supernatural questions but with the natural mind I have been entrusted with It is impossible to find an clear answer to these questions.

I am beginning to understand that I am human. I am not perfect. I can choose to do good and stay in sobriety, or to relapse and continue to give my life over to that evil entity. I failed to practice the behavior that I expected from others. Others saw my behavior and admonished me without the realization that I am human. They did not realize that we make mistakes.

This provides an excellent skegway to the victim's understanding of my criminal actions based on vague and media portrayed information.As I was browsing the net I wanted to view some other men and women's perspectives upon my actions. This is what I found. What follows contains my reaction.

Anchorage soldier goes on vandalism spree.

"A 21-year-old Anchorage man was arrested early Friday morning and charged with slashing dozens of tires overnight in a South Anchorage neighborhood.Frank Grubbs was charged with two counts of criminal mischief, police said.The vandalism to more than 40 cars was in the area of Abbott Loop and Little Creek Drive. A resident looked out her window just after 2:30 a.m. and saw a man taking a knife to cars parked on the street. The knife was used to cut tires and scrape paint.When police arrived, they said, they found Grubbs holding a large knife and hiding behind a vehicle.A policeman lived in the neighborhood and had both a K-9 cruiser and his personal car damaged.One count of criminal mischief was for disabling a police car, the second was for the damage to all the other cars. According to a database of public records, Grubbs is licensed as a pharmacy technician and has lived in the neighborhood for more than a decade.Grubbs was lodged at the Anchorage jail with bail set at $2,500.

There are two reasons that I felt compelled to post this story.One is that this guy is a soldier who is scheduled to deploy to Iraq next month and was clearly desperate to keep that from happening.And two is that this incident happened one street over from where I live!I only learned about this when I went to work and that is also where I found out all of the extra details.This guy REALLY did not want to go to Iraq. He slashed tires on three streets and damaged two police cars and simply waited to be caught. He seemed a little incoherent apparently but he was determined to get into enough trouble to keep him out of this ridiculous war.I don't know if he has already done a tour or not, but if I find out I will do a follow up to this story. This is just one example of the toll this debacle is having on people's lives that does not get reported by the news media.

I was readily disgusted with this mans lack of information. I decided to give him the real story.

This is a very interesting post regarding this young individual whom went on a "tire slashing rampage", for the mere fact of not getting deployed. You are talking about somebody's life, somebody's life which was devastated by a disease. That disease is called Alcoholism. I am talking about myself here. I am that Soldier.What the media portrayed is not the complete story. They do not look into the pure spirit of the man, but reside to the facade I have built up over the years with my disease. Alcohol and drugs devastate not only the user, but those around him or her. The "tire spree" was a clear representation of that devastation.There isn't a day where I do not feel remorse for what I did that night. I can only ask for forgiveness and repay my debts to society. My struggle was a spiritual struggle. There has always been a constant battle of right and wrong residing between my ears. Alcohol was the self-medication to suppress the constant war, but did quite the opposite. It invoked an evil that resided within me.I have always wanted to serve my country. I have always wanted to be a leader. A couple of days ago I had to say goodbye to the soldiers whom were leaving for Iraq. I was supposed to be one of them. I wanted to be one of them. It was a chance for me to start my life over. It was a chance for me to become a new man.Alcoholism and addiction is a vicious circle. Without the proper care and treatment, as you have seen, can change a man. Who plan's to devastate their lives? Why would any coherent individual decide to go out and throw his life in the garbage? I definitely didn't want to destroy my life. I bet you wouldn't either.Don't get me wrong.I have always known what is right. I have always known what is wrong. That is what we call the Law of Nature. We as humans, all over the earth, have this curious idea that they ought to behave in a certain way, and cannot really get rid of it. We as humans do not behave in that way. We know the Law of Nature; we break it. Alas, for me, at the time of the crime I was completely intoxicated. I was incapable of any coherent cognition.If you had any chance of knowing me sober ( and I have been since rehabilitation ), you would know me as a hard-working, intelligent , neighbor-friendly individual. I was the best of the best, and always strived for more. Please do not be blind and accept the facade the media portrays about individuals. When you get a more in-depth story and understanding you can realize the person on the other side of that wall.I'm not trying to escape my actions. The past is the past. I have got to accept my actions. I have to accept my scars. Our scars remind us that the past is indeed real. Some scars are mental, some are physical. I have my fair share of both.Gryphen I am sorry to inform you that you prediction about my behavior, based on the media's perspective, is faulty. You quote.May 03 , 2008"There are two reasons that I felt compelled to post this story.One is that this guy is a soldier who is scheduled to deploy to Iraq next month and was clearly desperate to keep that from happening.And two is that this incident happened one street over from where I live! "

1. There was no "obvious" desperation in me to ruin my life.- As I have tried to explain above... when you are under the influence you do not have direct control of your actions.

2. I am the victim's neighbors. - As a neighbor, for more then a decade I have known many of the victims. They are victims, yes. I was the main victim of my addiction to alcohol.

I woke up in jail, unaware of my actions. There was no pre-mediated effort on my part to abstain from my military duties. There was and there is no evidence of me directly choosing to slash the police officers tires. It was a random act of violence, mediated by alcohol.

When you say "little", were you there to give me a breathalyzer? How can you come to such a conclusion with little to no facts to support it? Please, before you blog and before you make assumptions about other people based on the facade get your story straight.I know you didn't have much to work with and I understand where you are coming from. I can understand your faulty little assumptions.

I would like to share with you Gryphen with what I had to endure. This is what i wrote a couple hours after I shook the hands of the deploying soldiers. I was supposed to go with them. This is what was going through my mind.

"I am consciously aware of these changes but I feel like I am a prisoner on the inside. My mind seems to be controlling what my body does. I can shout and plea but my emotions seem to have their own conductor. As I am starting to understand more and more about cognition and its laws I can use these techniques to release the man in the cage. How would you like to be locked up inside your own head. Someone is always there, dangling the keys for my release. You are always looking for a way to get a hold of that key. To be released. Emotional stability is what I desire.The past couple days for me have been a mental crusade. I went into my military drill with the utmost confidence, but with the things that are going on in this natural world it is hard for my faith to follow suit. The oil in my lamp is reaching an end and I need to refill it, not with drugs and alcohol but with hard work and determination in my faith.The first day of drill was an endeavor, I decided to open up emotionally to many there so they can look at the person struggling within the cage, instead of the facade that I worked so hard on to create. I noticed how others were still the same and acted in the same manner towards others as if nothing has ever changed in their lives in the past couple months. I was jealous. I wanted to put myself in their boots. I found myself in the restroom peering at myself within the mirror.

You look great in that military uniform. Why did you have to throw all this all away? I looked deep within my reflection questioning my existence. Questioning my thought patterns.I looked tired.My skeleton was out of the closet. Everyone had a view of what I really was ,emotionally and physically. At that moment I saw it as well. I see how others saw me. I visualized myself naked , crouched in the fetal position rotting away in the depths of a damp and deserted dungeon. I saw myself at my weakest. I felt a warm weight on my chest. I didn't notice at the time I had the keys right next to me the entire time. The keys were right at the tips of my fingers. I was holding my rosary and the Bible was over my heart. Suddenly my crucifix fell off my rosary and I felt a deep remorse. How easily the light can flutter. The utter joy of being within his presence followed by deep despair for an symbolic situation which could easily be logically explained. This sudden revelation brought me back into the small beams of light emanating from the cell door. I forced a smile and returned to the classroom.My light was glowing and others noticed. My oil reserves were steadily dwindling as if there was a leak on the basin. I talked in depth with others, letting them know that we are human and humans make mistakes. I kept my confidence and military demeanor. My friends were leaving tomorrow for Iraq. I was to partake in these events but I had to sit this one out. The handshaking and appreciation for those going overseas seemed endless. As I shook each and every one of their hands I thought of how heroic it would have been to undertake the journey. To travel a long distance away from some of my problems, collect myself and learn to love and learn to be a leader in another fashion. I stared into their eyes with remorse but portrayed comfort.I felt sorry for myself. Why did I have to put the people I have loved for so long in this position? Why did I of all people have to acquire such a demoralizing disease? I started to put the blame on my parents and others around me. I was so focused on the negatives I didn't realize the insights and knowledge I learned from my previous experiences. The day ended without excitement and I returned home as my mind was racing over the daily grind.
- Frank Grubbs , Defiantly not a part of the Immoral Minority.

After my response a day later the man responded and much to my delight, apologized for his response.

I read your entire response Frank and I offer my apologies if I jumped to a conclusion which was inaccurate.The funny thing was I almost did not post the story. But I kept bumping into it at work and on the news and could not stop thinking about the reasons for your actions.

I felt it was probably a safe bet to assume that your rampage was related your upcoming deployment. I of course made that assumption using the news story and some comments from some of your neighbors that I ran into. I apologize again for my mistake.

I am glad you received help with your addictions and hope that you are doing well.You are not a part of my minority and that is fine, I guess if it had too many members it would not remain a "minority".

I also noticed that you may have a penchant for writing. Perhaps you should start a blog of your own. If you do send me a link and I will add it to my blogroll. I am always interested in getting different points of view and of being corrected if I make the mistake or seeing things too narrowly through my own prism.So again I thank you for taking the time to explain your side of the story.Take care of yourself.
Gryphen.

This post meant alot to me, so I had to reply.

Gryphen,

First of all thank you for your support and for your apology.

Secondly, the assumptions you made were true to the facts that sustained them. Like I said before we all make mistakes and some of them we are not aware of.

My intervention came through a combination of my imprisonment, rehabilitation and the loving support of close friends and family members. I am truthfully blessed for having the eyes of my heart opened towards the dreadfulness of my actions.

I am undoubtedly linked towards others and their willingness to forgive. So I thank you for your forgiveness of my transgressions.I have, and been doing quite a bit of writing on my own but never actually thought of posting my thoughts and emotions on a web blog for others to relate towards.

You, as well have an uncanny knack for words and your opinion and many other people's opinions, besides my own, grants me wisdom and insight towards other view points that I once shrugged off as a mere lack of intelligence.

Sometimes pain and suffering can facilitate maturity. For me those pains and those sufferings have led me beyond other peoples opinions that I once rebuked.I look forwards to getting to know you better, for some of your writing and some of your insight brings me to question the men and women whom have fallen into your description of "The Immoral Minority."

For me, morality and the feeling of doing what is right and what is presented as "true" in the eyes of our society brings me to question my relationship towards those morals. I would like to share my opinion's with your opinions. I will definetly be a regular visitor to your blog, until I find the time myself to create one of my own. Please feel free to question my ideas and feel free to disect any thought that I have for the greater good of morality.

Your Friend,
Frank Grubbs

I came to terms with my true feelings regarding morality. I came to the conclusion as stated at the begining of this blog. I learned alot about myself and I learned alot about others. I hope that you and others beyond myself will come to the same conclusion. I learned to forgive others, but mainly I learned to Forgive myself.

A Fresh Start

2008-07-21T02:33:00.000-07:00

This is my First Post. I would like to keep it short and sweet.

I am here for me. I am also here for you.

We can come together and share our wisdom.
We can come together and share our failures.
We can come together to balance our emotions.

As we go on in life and gain knowlege and wisdom we strengthen our inner eye.